Originally published on March 14, 2010 in our free SmallLaw newsletter.
I've talked about lunch a lot in my SmallLaw columns. Truth be told, I think about lunch all the time (and breakfast and dinner — I spend most of my waking hours thinking about food). I focus on lunch because it's the cornerstone of practice development. You've got to take people to lunch.While you're at lunch with clients, prospective clients, and referral sources, it's critical to build strong relationships. It's valuable to get to know these folks. Ideally, you'll create some friendships that enhance your personal as well as your professional life.
THE SCIENCE OF FRIENDSHIP AND NETWORKING
I've been reading about friendship lately. I'd always thought of friendship as something that just happened. I like some people, I don't like others, and some like me (not very many actually). It's like magic, or at least that's what I always thought.
Turns out, however, that friendship isn't magic. Social scientists study this stuff. Friendship stems from engaging in certain behaviors. The most important behavior that leads to friendship is mutual self-disclosure. You share something personal about yourself, and the other person reciprocates. Note the word "mutual" — it isn't simply that you disclose, it's that both of you disclose.
It starts, however, with your disclosure. You've got to take a risk and disclose something personal about yourself. You've got to be willing to put it out there and see what happens. You'll soon find out if your lunch partner will reciprocate. If he does, the relationship will move to the next level. If he doesn't, you'll know that true friendship won't blossom — at least not yet.
I sometimes spend time with a person who doesn't disclose (I'll skip the long story on how this keeps happening). I know almost nothing about her. It's weird, but every time I see her it's like Groundhog Day — we pretty much repeat the same conversation. We never move to the next level. I can't honestly say that I know much of anything about her. I've disclosed. No response. We're stuck. It's kind of sad and it's generally unpleasant.
Self-disclosure isn't something I've heard mentioned by most of the relationship experts. They advise being real, being authentic, asking questions, and listening. That's solid advice, but it's vague and sometimes hard to put into action. Self-disclosure is a little more concrete. But for some of us, it's hard to put in to practice.
DON'T START WITH YOUR DEEPEST, DARKEST SECRETS
Self-disclosure sounds scary. It sounds risky. Disclosing anything, especially before the other person has disclosed anything personal, sounds like a game of truth-or-dare gone awry. Most of us lawyers have a great defense system. We avoid disclosure. We can answer a question with a question or we can make a joke or we can change the subject.
We all want to put our best foot forward. We like being thought of as well adjusted, smart, and successful. We don't want to disclose something that might embarrass us or cast us in an unfavorable light. Unfortunately, being careful about what we disclose is a barrier to strengthening our relationships. We've got to be open and tell others our secrets if we're going to foster the connection.
I'm not suggesting that you start with something that might scare your lunch mate. Don't admit that you have a crush on your paralegal. Start off with something mild like admitting your fear of heights or alligators (which scare the crap out of me). You'll quickly figure out whether things are moving forward or not. Test the waters a bit before you go too far.
Taking the risk of self-disclosure has great rewards. You'll win business and make new friends. New friends are in short supply in our busy world. With new friends you'll be happier and more successful. If I take my own advice, I might even receive some tips on how to avoid alligators.
Written by Lee Rosen of Divorce Discourse.
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