Originally published on June 14, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.
Let's face it: jerks are everywhere. But the jerks who ruin your morning coffee with their no-foam attitude or cut you off during your commute do not hold a candle to the jerks you work with every day at your large law firm. So shut the door on your sneering secretary, close your Facebook app, and read this scintillating edition of BigLaw to discover the five jerks you meet behind firm doors. If you haven't met them all yet, consider yourself lucky.1. The One-Upper Junior Associate
The One-Upper typically barges into your office uninvited, stack of papers in hand just to let you know that the really important meeting between him and the CEO of the firm's largest client went "really well."
He routinely fake complains about how the managing partner is always pestering him to do "annoying" things like argue motions in court as a first year or attend sporting events as his personal guest. If you filed three motions today, rest assured the One-Upper filed seven and closed a deal and hit the gym and it's only 3 pm. And if you billed twelve hours today, you're getting out early because the One-Upper billed 40 and that wasn't even including this morning.
Dead Giveaways: deal-toy littered office, 12+ page absence memos on "active matters," eats lunch with partners in the cafeteria, sets Outlook timer to send email in the wee hours.
Kryptonite: Personal bankruptcy, layoffs, or being staffed on a matter with another One-Upper.
2. The Entrapper Mid-Level
The Entrapper attempts to raise her own profile at work by contriving situations to make it look like you're slacking off. For example, she'll stop by your office at 9 pm, see that you've stepped out for dinner, and then race back to her office to email the partner with a CC to you stating that since you left for the evening, all further requests should be directed to her.
Sending items through the inter-office mail to slow you down is one of her classic moves, as is sticking Post-Its on your monitor after hours with urgent instructions. She also loves to check in on the status of assignments and update your lack of progress directly to the partner.
Dead Giveaways: Leaves "where are you?" voicemails, reeks of take-out, lives in an apartment within walking distance of the office, checks BlackBerry during meetings with you.
Kryptonite: Self-implosion or destruction of her home life.
3. The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing Senior Associate
The WISC seems like the nicest person in the world ... until he blindsides you with scathing, sneak attack reviews. Suddenly, all those deadlines that he told you were flexible were hard, your memo that he took credit for and forwarded to the client lacked "critical thinking," and those heartfelt conversations you and the he had were "unprofessional intrusions" into his personal life.
After a cooling off period following the review he distances himself from you as you digest the betrayal. Then he'll act like nothing happened.
Dead Giveaways: BCCs, uses personal information against you, pastes strategically damning parts of email into reviews, suspiciously pleasant demeanor.
Kryptonite: The WISC usually cultivates close relationships with one or two partners, and then uses this trust to lend credibility to his reviews. As such, you can destroy a WISC only if the sponsoring partners lateral or the WISC otherwise loses his protected status.
4. The Passive-Aggressive Partner
If you've ever worked for a partner who fails to respond to multiple email messages at critical times, you've worked for a classic Passive-Aggressive.
A typical PA assigns vague research at 6 pm on Fridays before three day weekends and send team-wide emails about how "we" need to remember to proof our briefs rather than having a private, in-person confrontation with the associate who screwed up. He asks questions to which he knows the answers and frequently engages in staring contests.
Dead Giveaways: Assigns make work with phantom deadlines, tells associates they'll have to "play it by ear" when it comes to their vacation requests, resents associates who do not attend his CLE presentations.
Kryptonite: Mandatory retirement.
5. The Indignant Admin
The Indignant Admin believes she was born to do great things ... and entering your timesheets is not one of them. IAs routinely screw up assignments, play Free Cell, and offer unwelcome strategic input on a case.
She is fanatical about her desk property, typically mounting signs that say, "This Purell Is Not Free! Buy Your Own!" and sending floor-wide threatening email messages in red Courier New demanding that whoever took her scissors return them immediately. Associates assigned to IAs who also work for partners can expect to have all their requests ignored.
Dead Giveaways: Inability to perform any task without errors, listens to the radio, commuting delays, takes full number of sick days, complains about your holiday gift.
Kryptonite: A bad review by a partner. A new word processor or other technology.
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