TechnoLawyer

Originally published on April 12, 2011 in our free BigLaw newsletter. Instead of reading BigLaw here after the fact, sign up now to receive future issues in realtime.

If you take away one lesson from all of my BigLaw columns, let it be this: appearances matter. I don't just mean looking hot — though that's important too. I mean maintaining the right image at your firm. Any old associate or counsel can bill hours or write memos, but not everyone can play the part. And in large law firms, it's not the work you do, but the work partners think you do that counts.

During the recession, plenty of hardworking, talented associates got laid off, while some of their mediocre peers kept their jobs. That's because instead of producing quality work and praying that somebody on the executive committee would notice, the mediocre associates focused on broadcasting their work first, and then producing it … fifth. Just like the proverbial tree that falls in the forest with no one to hear it, lawyers who work hard but don't brag about it don't reap the fruits of their labor.

In this issue of BigLaw, I share five secrets about a topic near and dear to my heart — how to succeed in a large law firm without really trying. When you finish reading this column, you'll have all the necessary tools to stop working and get busy slacking.

1. Pull a Christian Bale

Playing the role of a dedicated associate starts with method acting. Nobody's going to believe that you're pulling long hours and closing deals if you look like a million bucks.

To start looking the part, you have to emulate Christian Bale's habits. Stop exercising and start eating only processed foods. Set your alarm to wake you up every four hours (or just don't sleep at all). Stay dressed in your work clothes for a few days and speckle your rumpled garb with balsamic vinaigrette stains. Shower infrequently and put parmesan cheese in your hair to simulate dandruff.

If you're a guy, shave, but not too often, and occasionally nick yourself and show up to work with bloody scraps of toilet paper stuck to your face. If people start asking if everything is okay, you're on the right track.

2. Prepare Your Office

What kind of faux-hardworking associate has time to clean his office? Not you. Create the right stench by letting old delivery food fester in your garbage can, and then print some email messages and throw them on the floor.

Since personal lives are for associates and counsel who aren't committed to their jobs, remove any photographs of family and friends from your desk and replace them with deal toys purchased from eBay. Line your bookshelves with blank Xerox paper bound into closing sets and label them on the spine with important deal names, such as "Project Evergreen."

Now you're beginning to look like you bill some serious hours!

3. Give Them a Show

Standing out from the pack takes more than just poor personal hygiene and a disgusting office. You also have to demonstrate to partners that you're working around the clock by putting on a show.

If you work in a business casual office, wear a suit once a week for no reason to make it look like you went to court or had a client meeting. Better yet, stuff a litigation bag with Styrofoam popcorn and drag it with you everywhere. Sure, litigation has gone paperless but the baby boomer partners who run the firm don't know that.

When at your desk, give the impression that you're working by keeping a document open on your screen and highlighting leisure reading materials printed from the Web.

4. Leave a Paper Trail

Big Brother is always watching, so it's important to leave an electronic trail that corroborates your sham work performance. You're a TechnoLawyer subscriber so you should have no problem setting up Outlook to deploy emails at ungodly hours.

Some other gimmes to beat the system include:

• Checking out a bunch of documents at a time and making inconsequential edits to them so people think you're working on them.

• Swiping in to work on the weekends with your building ID card while en route to brunch, the gym, Saks Fifth Avenue, etc.

• Sending around a vacation memo to a bunch of partners and then noisily cancelling your fake vacation last minute because of work.

• Submitting constant requests for more business cards.

• Responding to "volunteers needed" email messages hours or even days after they are sent.

Advanced-level slackers may also want to join the firm's intramural volleyball team and then cancel before each game via email to the entire distribution list.

5. When You Absolutely, Positively Must Work

Even master slackers eventually have to perform the occasional task to justify their salaries. Fortunately, shortcuts exist around most assignments.

For example, litigators needn't get bogged down by legal research on LexisNexis or Westlaw when cheap labor in India can handle it for you. Just ask Tim Ferriss. And transactional associates can turn documents faster by bracketing language and dropping footnotes that state "to discuss."

Don't Just Stand There. Start Slacking!

Nobody ever said success without trying was easy. But the benefits you'll reap by being a "squeaky wheel" make working hard at hardly working well worth the limited effort.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on January 25, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter. Instead of reading BigLaw here after the fact, sign up now to receive future issues in realtime.

Gentleman Ladies and Gentleman BigLaw Subscribers,

During firm orientation, you learn how to opt into your dental plan, where to locate the bathrooms, and, if you're lucky, how to track your hours. These items are important, especially if you eat spicy meals, gnaw on tin foil, or develop bruxism. But orientation not to mention internal CLE programs nearly always omit another crucial skill — professional email etiquette.

You would think sending polished, professional email would be an obvious skill among associates. Large law firms apparently agree, so they don't bother teaching the basics and instead let new associates (and luddite partners who begrudgingly agree to start using email) fall on the swords of accidental reply-alls, overly informal language, and other faux pas. If your law firm does not have an email etiquette training program, relax. Just forward this issue of BigLaw around your firm as it contains the top 10 email etiquette tips for large firm lawyers.

1. Subject Line

Keep your subject lines short yet explanatory and joke-free (no matter how hilarious your pun). Use title case or else it will look too informal. In long back and forth chains, make sure it doesn't get to the point of "Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Re:Fwd." When this happens, edit it back to a single "Re:" or start fresh. Aon's Chief Counsel for Litigation and former Jones Day partner Mark Herrmann has some additional subject line tips.

2. Salutation

As someone with a gender-neutral name that brings to mind a county in Northern California (Marin), I have been the victim of "Gentlemen" more than once during my biglaw tenure. And Greg, a female friend of mine, certainly commiserated. The point is, unless you've spoken to all parties on the phone or seen them in person, "Gentleman" is risky. While "Ladies and Gentleman" solves that problem, using it makes you sound like you're a traveling minstrel hawking peep stones. I suggest using everyone's first name if feasible or the completely neutral "All:" or skipping the salutation altogether and starting with a "Good Morning/Good Afternoon."

3. Signoff

Most lawyers use some form or "Regards" at the conclusion of email. But which "Regards" to use? There's of course the plain vanilla "Regards," the effeminate "Warm regards," the passive aggressive "Kind regards," and finally "Best regards" for when you really want to knock their socks off. If you're going to use "Regards" — and it is a fine signoff — just pick one and stick with it forever. "Thanks" is also a good one. Steer clear of "Sincerely" and "Respectfully," and never write "Truly" because it means nothing and sounds creepy.

4. Attachments

If you write "Please find attached …" for the love of God make sure to attach the attachment. Triple check it if you must. Nothing says "amateur" more than sending a follow-up email 30 seconds later with an apology and an attachment. Software utilities such as SendGuard can scan your message for words like "attachment" and warn you if there's nothing attached when you click "Send."

5. Non-Work Related Mass Email

Do you need the number of a good plumber? How about a recommendation for a reputable DUI lawyer in the DC Metropolitan area for "a friend"? Conduct Google searches, call friends, but whatever you do, don't send around mass email messages at work (except of course for this issue of BigLaw). Your toilet may be clogged and your "friend" may have breathed a 0.42, but you don't want your entire firm gossiping about you. Don't even offer up the Yankees tickets you can't use. Keep your personal problems anonymous.

6. Signatures

Always include a signature with your contact information — except your email address since that's redundant. Your signature should be plain and all black. Don't use a cheesy script font for your name, don't get fancy and place the firm's name in a different color. And definitely don't append "Please be considerate of the environment … think before you print this message!" unless you want people to never email you again. You should also remove the "Sent from my iPhone" advertisement because it tips partners off that you're not at your desk 24/7. Don't give them an excuse to give you more work.

7. Abbreviations

No matter how many abbreviations ("thx"), misspellings ("tonite"), or other syntax and grammatical errors clients and partners include in their hastily-written email, resist the urge to reply in kind. You may be in a rush too, but dig deep and find the time to write a proofed and polished message, even from your mobile device … which means deleting "Sent from my iPhone" as noted above.

8. Return Receipt

As tempting as it is to know — definitively — that someone has read the very important email you just sent him or her, nothing enrages people more than receiving return receipt messages. Why should it be your business to know when and if someone reads your email? It's not. The whole deal with email is that you take a leap of faith that the recipient will receive it and respond. If you can't live with that anxiety, use the phone instead. Don't play dirty by spying on other peoples' inboxes.

9. Recalls

Email is unforgiving. Once sent, that's a wrap. You can't go back. Recalling an email sent in error that has undoubtedly already been read by the unintended recipient(s) only calls more attention to the original message, your mistake, and your feeble attempts to undo it. Just don't make this mistake. Ever. Pay attention. Turn off address auto-fill if necessary. Or use Outlook's Defer Delivery setting.

10. Personal Email Sent From Your Work Account

You've all read the legendary email accidentally sent by a Skadden summer associate from his work account to the firm's entire underwriting group. Nuff said.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on December 13, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter. Instead of reading BigLaw here after the fact, sign up now to receive future issues in realtime.

You've probably run into a former miserable coworker who left biglaw and surfaced a month later looking like the million bucks he left on the table. It's almost as if, simply by quitting, he instantly kicked that seven-year antidepressant habit, dropped 10 pounds, and added years to his life. Of course, if you're still unhappily slaving away, encountering these Jimmy Buffets can throw your own misery into high relief.

A widely cited Johns Hopkins study found that lawyers are more likely to suffer from depression than people in any other profession. Some have attributed this statistic to two personality traits — perfectionism and pessimism — rife among attorneys.

Biglaw attorneys seem even more depressed than your average lawyer. Why? Will Meyerhofer probably has some theories. I have five of my own.

1. Disenfranchisement

No matter where you rank in your firm's hierarchy — associate, counsel, a partner — you're constantly at the mercy of others. No matter how successful your career was prior to attending law school, if you enter biglaw, you'll start in the proverbial mailroom with everybody else as a first-year associate.

Count on waiting at least four years until you make any real substantive legal decisions or manage people below you. Even when you're a partner, clients dictate the work schedule, call the business shots, and direct you to fulfill them. Add in the pyramidal business structure that prizes billable hours over intelligence, seniority over merit, and business development over legal brilliance and it's easy see why lawyers become so unhappy.

2. Entrapment

Many law students graduate with $150,000 in law school loans and a degree that offers them only one career option for repaying the debt (relatively) quickly — biglaw. Working for three to five years at a firm can prove depressing if you're only there to pay off your loans. Also, knowing that the longer you stay, the less marketable you become to non-law firm employers makes it even worse. The dearth of legal jobs outside of biglaw that pay equivalent salaries doesn't help matters either.

3. Jerks

As I've previously noted, law firms have their own special (and especially insidious) breeds of jerks. Whether it's dealing with an indignant admin who refuses to enter your timesheets or a passive-aggressive partner who goes AWOL as important deadlines loom, the average biglaw associate is in a near-constant state of panic about screwing up, not receiving their full bonus, and getting fired. It's hard to maintain a sunny attitude when you're surrounded by jerks at work.

4. Long Hours

Long and unpredictable work hours take their toll on biglaw lawyers. Late nights, ruined weekends, and the all-too-common cancelled vacations strain personal relationships and torpedo efforts to stick with gym routines and healthy eating habits.

Associates get no respite from work during the day since they're billing by the hour. BlackBerrys ensure that they're always on call. Having a work/life balance is essential to maintaining happiness and sanity, but at many large law firms, this concept remains a myth.

5. Prophesy

If you work in a large law firm, you're supposed to be depressed. Like celebrities and plastic surgery, they go together. Don't blame me. I didn't start it. The media has told lawyers for years that they're depressed. The ABA and state bars have a program — the Commission on Lawyer Assistance Programs — devoted to helping attorneys cope. So many people reiterating the lawyer depression meme can be kind of, well, depressing. I mean, if nobody believed that you weren't depressed, wouldn't you be depressed too?

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on October 25, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

Two years ago, I left my job as a biglaw associate the same day an of counsel who sat on my floor also departed. At our joint going away party (which featured a small cake for me and a larger one for him, naturally), we chatted briefly about why we were leaving. He said he was lateraling to another large law firm in the city to try to make partner. I said I was leaving to pursue writing. Only one of us made it (hint — you're reading my BigLaw column).

It's not that this guy wasn't great at his job. To the contrary, he was a very serious, detail-oriented lawyer who routinely worked long hours even though he had young kids and a wife. And though I personally liked him very much, he could be aloof with clients, and had an awkward phone demeanor — and, occasionally, bad breath. There was good reason he was of counsel and not partner at my old firm. Sadly, he lacked self-awareness if he thought that lateraling would solve the problem.

Biglaw partners are a very specific breed. If you're an associate with great technical skills but no "it" factor, you're doomed to become of counsel, or worse — be asked to leave. Fortunately, you can take steps to dodge the of counsel bullet and gain the "it" factor. Below you'll learn how to fake it 'til you make it.

1. Cultivate Your Partner Personality

I recently met a senior associate at a firm who expects to make partner this year because he's meticulous and a hard worker. However, despite having never seen any of his work, I can guarantee that he'll make of counsel. Why?

He comes across as desperate, exhausted, and uptight. He's also extremely overweight and disheveled. Firms want partners who are socially savvy, self-aware, and confident. They look for well-dressed, well-kempt people who can get the job done for clients and take them to a dinner after the deal closes (case settles).

If life is a schoolyard, partners (aside from tax partners) are the cool kids with decent grades who play sports. Counsel are the straight-A nerds in marching band. If you're a natural-born nerd, you need to fight your inner bookworm and act the part of partner. That may mean polishing your small talk skills, revamping your wardrobe, and/or losing weight. If you're unsure how you come across, consider hiring an image consultant for brutally honest feedback.

2. Get An Important Client To Back You

Once you've finessed your partner personality, it's time to start buttering up your firm's key clients. If you work closely with a particular client and become their go-to lawyer, the client may develop allegiance to you as an individual. You can leverage this loyalty by having the client praise you to your firm's partners or even go to bat for your directly.

Nothing will motivate a firm to make someone partner more than if a client threatens to take its business elsewhere — especially if it's a major blue chip client. Giving you a small equity stake in the firm is a lot cheaper than losing millions of dollars of business.

3. Bring in Business. Lots of It.

Future partners are shameless salespeople who win new clients based on the strength of their personalities. A mid-level associate friend of mine frequents an Irish pub where bankers hang out and has brought in millions of dollars to his firm simply by buying people drinks, schmoozing with them, and handing out his business card.

By contrast, future of counsel hide in their office and work on the matters assigned to them. They find networking oily and uncomfortable and think they prove themselves on the strength of their work. Law firms are businesses like any other, so if you want to make it to upper management, you have to prove your business savvy.

4. Build Your Reputation in the Firm

If you've ever looked at your firm's new partner and of counsel announcements, odds are you recognize the names of all the associates who made partner and few, if any, of the associates promoted to of counsel. That's because associates who eventually become partner wage public relations campaigns and work hard to raise their profiles within the firm. They demonstrate their commitment by sitting on firm committees, spearheading charity events, and taking on highly visible pro bono projects. They build reputations as tough but fair project managers and make it a point to work with as many partners as possible to ensure widespread buy-in.

If you think extracurriculars don't count and that the only variables that matter are your billable hours and work product, you're setting yourself up for counsel and a six- rather than a seven-figure salary. No associate was ever plucked from obscurity and made partner.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on October 7, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

Urban Dictionary, that distant, surly cousin of the Oxford English Dictionary, defines "douchebag" as "an individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth … [who] behav[es] ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears." One of the pitfalls of working in a large firm is that you run the risk of becoming a douchebag.

The transformation to office jerk typically starts innocently enough — a monogrammed shirt here, a four page absence memo there — that is, until your bad habits overtake your persona and you become the person that you swore you'd never become — a douchebag. In this issue of BigLaw, you'll learn how to recognize the signs of douchebagdom, and how to prevent or reverse this unfortunate but curable condition. Simply implement the "de-d-bagging" techniques described below, and put your concerns to rest.

1. Cleansing Your Office

If home is where the heart is, the office is where the douche lives. These tips will help you douchebag proof your physical office space:

• Remove all awards, degrees, and Ansel Adams lithographs from your walls.


• Return to the IT Department the 1-800-Dentist headset that you use for telephone calls.


• Dismantle and discard any torchiere floor lamps.


• Lose the Bose speakers, especially if they contain an iPod dock.


• Refrain from using any pen that: (1) is a fountain pen; (2) requires a twisting motion to expose the tip; (3) is engraved; (4) is sold individually; (5) uses special ink; or (6) costs more than $5.


• Bring home your golf clubs.


• Remove annoying framed pictures from your desk, including black and white wedding photos of you and your spouse, travel photos of the Golden Gate Bridge or other exotic destinations, and photos with sports celebrities.


• Eliminate any air purifiers.


• Discard (or finish) the bottle of Scotch next to your monitor and don't replace it with another one.


• Clear your bookshelves of distinguished but useless books such as law school textbooks.

2. Cleansing Your Personal Habits

A douchebag-proofed office may still have a douchebag as its occupant. If you want to remain "normal," make sure you don't:

• Wear cufflinks or French cuffed shirts.


• Use a money clip.


• Wrap your tie around your head for any reason.


• Carry a leather valise, especially by Tumi. Also, do not use the term "valise."


• Wear driving shoes/loafers without socks, sport tasseled shoes, pants with animals embroidered on them, or polo shirts with popped collars.


• Allow copies of The New Yorker, Architectural Digest, Food & Wine, or Milan Kundera books to "accidentally" peek out from your (former) valise.

3. Cleansing Your Work Communications

Now that you've cleansed (and in doing so upgraded) your office and personage, it's time for the final step. Below you'll find some subtle ways to let your colleagues and clients know that you're a changed man or woman:

• Stop using the email salutation "Gentleman."


• Delete your "Sent from my iPad" email signature line. You can keep your iPad, but don't walk around with it or bring it to the bathroom.


• Don't ask for a roll call on a conference call when everybody knows who's on the phone.


• Resist the urge to send blacklines that spell out numbers and identify them in parentheses, as if people are illiterate, e.g., "twenty-nine (29)."


• Refrain from talking about "destroying" the other side in court.


• Don't fake complain about your hours for the purpose of bragging and subtly finding out what others' billed.


• Turn off the light in your office when you leave instead of leaving it on, closing the door and pretending you're still at work.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on August 11, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

A few weeks ago, I helped you figure out when it's time to leave your large firm job behind. Whether you've decided to stay put or are feverishly working on your departure memo, you can't claim to have done time in Biglaw without completing certain rites of passage. At my undergrad alma mater, you couldn't graduate (with any dignity) without having both copulated in the library stacks and peed on a famous statue in the middle of campus. Given the humorlessness of the legal profession and the dismal job market, the BigLaw Bucket List below does not require you to defile a colleague in a supply closet or urinate on a Redweld … at least not at the same time. Before you earn your last inflated paycheck and kick the BigLaw Bucket, make sure you've earned your stripes. All 50 of them.

1. Bring a cocktail to every meeting.

2. Reference Rocky III repeatedly on a conference call, and say "I pity da fool" at least once.

3. Give an enormous box of your city's best donuts to the overnight word processing crew.

4. Sample all the cafeteria entrees at least once and fill out the feedback card.

5. Locate the mythical office shower and take one.

6. "Forget" to attach a document to buy yourself more time.

7. Tweet "In client meeting, LOL" from a client meeting.

8. Fart in a partner's chair.

9. Take your family on a tour of your office.

10. Seduce a paralegal.

11. Send a "high importance" email to a colleague asking if he or she wants to combine dinner orders.

12. Wear the same outfit every day until someone says something.

13. Steal someone's lunch from the communal fridge.

14. Give a good review to someone who means well but doesn't deserve it.

15. Pose for a photo with your deal toys.

16. Replace the water in the coffee machine with Gatorade.

17. Ask for a new computer before you give notice.

18. Take friends out for dinner and charge it to Business Development.

19. Conduct a messy break-up on speakerphone.

20. Perform a public records search on your supervising partner.

21. Sneak your dog into the office.

22. Buy and prominently use a "#1 Lawyer" mug.

23. Send a letter on firm letterhead to Steve Jobs about the iPhone 4.

24. Rap your voicemail greeting.

25. Request to connect with the managing partner on LinkedIn.

26. Invent a funeral and take a personal day.

27. Ask HR to have your firm photo retaken every year.

28. Send an email to your assistant thanking her or him for the hard work.

29. Take your firm's black car service to a White Castle.

30. Replace your "Ladies and Gentlemen" email salutation with "Listen Up People."

31. Read the Wall Street Journal cover to cover in the handicapped bathroom stall.

32. Switch your 401(k) contribution amount every term.

33. Organize an unnecessary teleconference.

34. Vomit at a firm social function.

35. Plant a receipt for condoms in a BNA Tax Portfolio.

36. Take out your own garbage at the end of the day.

37. List Seamless Web sushi delivery man as an emergency contact on your medical form.

38. Submit a scathing, unsolicited 360-review of a partner.

39. Keep your office door closed for the day while working in pajamas.

40. Send a scone via interoffice mail.

41. Describe a colleague to a partner as "definitely not partner track."

42. Affix "Born to Ride" bumper sticker to your firm-issued laptop.

43. Respond to a partner emailing you an assignment by stating, "Can't right now, at a club."

44. Practice a wind instrument in your office after hours.

45. Backtrack on an already-negotiated point by claiming Opposite Day.

46. Purchase telescope/binoculars for office.

47. Send office-wide "Does anybody know a good malpractice attorney (for a friend)?" email.

48. Prepare a tearjerker farewell speech.

49. Send in a juicy tip to Above the Law.

50. Become a BigLaw columnist for TechnoLawyer.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on July 12, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

If you're a biglaw attorney, privately threatening to quit your job at least once a day is pretty much standard. And why wouldn't you? Who wants to deal with the long hours, demanding clients, and office jerks? Fantasizing about leaving, formulating exit strategies, and implementing five-year plans are as endemic to biglaw as all-nighters and free meals. Of course, threatening to quit and quitting are quite different. How can you tell when it's really time to go? Whether your inner compass is broken or you already have one foot out the door, read on to learn about the four tell-tale signs that it's time to say sayonara to biglaw.

1. You No Longer Buy Into Work-Related Emergencies

Biglaw is as famous for its "work-related emergencies" as it is for its paychecks. There are 3 am due diligence emergencies, IPO pricing day emergencies, injunction emergencies, deadline emergencies, emergency memos, panicked phone calls, phantom emergencies, and thousands of other legal crises that are just as (if not more) serious than saving lives.

If you don't believe it, or otherwise no longer feel a sense of urgency about your work, it may be time to throw in the towel. Part of surviving biglaw is buying into the self-important culture. Once you stop believing, you're on your way out.

2. You're Trying to Get Them to Fire You

Biglaw attorneys may not get tattoos or odd piercings (visible ones at least), but if you secretly want to leave, you may find yourself testing the limits of acceptable office decorum in other ways. Maybe you wear money sign earrings to work (I did once) or browse the Web too often for too long. Perhaps you leave "Regards" off of your email signature or don't bother to proof the final version of the agreement.

These aren't just signs of laziness — you're also tempting fate. Take a cue from your passive-aggressive behavior and take a hike. Don't make them fire you. Quit while you're ahead (but wait for your year-end bonus if you think you'll receive one).

3. Your Sunday Night Blues Are Killer — Literally

Very few people in the world rip off the covers on Monday mornings, do a tap dance, and then head into work beaming. Everybody dreads their job a little bit ... especially on Sunday nights when another work week looms. But if you find yourself inconsolable at the prospect of going into the office the next morning, spend half of Sunday evening trolling eBay for guns, or find yourself seriously depressed on Friday night at the prospect of having only two weekend nights left, it may be time to leave biglaw.

4. Work Is Destroying Everything, Including You

Your significant other has left you and your kids hate you. You're on antidepressants, you don't have time for your hobbies, and you've gotten fat. When biglaw has robbed you of all of your joy, it's time to quit.

Many lawyers are so wrapped up in the day-to-day of their jobs they don't realize how miserable they are. Take stock of your life. If work has left you with no room for family, friends, or meaningful extracurricular activities, it has taken over. You may think you need the biglaw paycheck to be happy, but no fancy toy or expensive vacation can make you less miserable (although science is getting close with plastic surgery). Trust me — you'll become much richer when you take a pay cut to get your life back.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on June 21, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

Staying fit and healthy is tough even if you have lots of free time and a stress-free lifestyle. Throw in a law firm's punishing hours, pressure-cooker culture, and unpredictable schedule and you have a recipe for … well, a big gut. When I started at my ex-firm, most of my fellow first-years were spry and trim. By the time I left two-and-a-half years later, many were bloated and doughy. I maintained my weight, but not because of luck or a "fast metabolism." I knew that entering a law firm meant signing up for a sedentary, stressful lifestyle, so I approached the situation with a plan of attack. Below I share some practical tips for fighting (and winning) the battle of the biglaw bulge.

1. BYO

Noontime CLEs mean sandwich and pasta stations. Practice group breakfast meetings bring baskets of baked goods. Law firms are notorious for their catered spreads. True, it's all free, but just because it's there doesn't mean you have to eat it.

Fend off temptation by bringing your own meal or snacks to catered firm gatherings. This way, you'll be less likely to nosh on those tantalizing cookies or overload your plate with catered fare. You may receive jibes from your coworkers (I certainly did), but you'll have the last laugh when they pack on the pounds while you remain at your fighting weight.

2. Commit to Working Out Three Days a Week

Magazines such as Cosmo and Men's Health routinely suggest that people who don't have time to workout before or after work fit in a quick workout during lunch. Hitting the gym during the middle of the day is usually not feasible for most biglaw attorneys.

Fortunately, it doesn't matter when you work out … as long as you commit to doing it three days a week come hell or high water. Personally, I often worked out twice on the weekends and squeezed one workout in during the week after work. Sticking with this routine will keep your metabolism up and help maintain muscle tone.

3. Control Late Night Binging

Nutrition gurus always warn us not to eat late at night, but working — and eating — after hours is a reality for biglaw attorneys. While you may be forced to chow down at 10 pm, you need not spend (and eat) your entire dinner stipend just because you can. I've seen plenty of colleagues pile their cafeteria trays high with more sodas than they could possibly drink in one evening or order repulsive quantities of sushi just to wring the most money from clients.

Unfortunately, nightly $30 binges hurt your waistline more than they hurt the client's wallet. A good rule of thumb is to order for dinner only what you'd eat if you were paying for it out of pocket. You'll eat less and refrain from buying impulse items like Nutra-Grain bars at the cafeteria register or scallion pancakes on Seamless Web.

4. Counter Your Stress

Lawyers sweat the small stuff — good for your clients and your career, but not for your body. High blood levels of cortical, the hormone you produce when you're under stress, slows down your metabolism. Of course, telling lawyers to magically stop agonizing over typos is useless since they're paid to do so.

But an important part of keeping your weight in check lies in counterbalancing biglaw stress with relaxing activities that give your body a rest from the days' constant adrenaline rushes. That may mean forcing yourself to take a vacation every six months, drinking a beer or two (light, of course) in front of your TV, setting aside time each night to read for pleasure, or committing to bi-monthly massages. Whatever works for you.

5. Don't Blame the Dry Cleaner

When you put on a few pounds, you probably reach for your "fat pants." Though the urge to buy larger clothing or blame the dry cleaner for shrinking your clothes may make you feel better, larger clothing is a gateway to complacency and further weight gain. If you feel comfortable in your upsized wardrobe, you're also more likely to overindulge because there's room to spare in your clothing.

Instead of accommodating the weight gain, I recommend wearing your too-tight, extremely uncomfortable clothing as a reminder to eat healthy and hit the gym. You're less likely to grab that second lemon square if you feel like your belt is strangling you.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on June 14, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

Let's face it: jerks are everywhere. But the jerks who ruin your morning coffee with their no-foam attitude or cut you off during your commute do not hold a candle to the jerks you work with every day at your large law firm. So shut the door on your sneering secretary, close your Facebook app, and read this scintillating edition of BigLaw to discover the five jerks you meet behind firm doors. If you haven't met them all yet, consider yourself lucky.

1. The One-Upper Junior Associate

The One-Upper typically barges into your office uninvited, stack of papers in hand just to let you know that the really important meeting between him and the CEO of the firm's largest client went "really well."

He routinely fake complains about how the managing partner is always pestering him to do "annoying" things like argue motions in court as a first year or attend sporting events as his personal guest. If you filed three motions today, rest assured the One-Upper filed seven and closed a deal and hit the gym and it's only 3 pm. And if you billed twelve hours today, you're getting out early because the One-Upper billed 40 and that wasn't even including this morning.

Dead Giveaways: deal-toy littered office, 12+ page absence memos on "active matters," eats lunch with partners in the cafeteria, sets Outlook timer to send email in the wee hours.

Kryptonite: Personal bankruptcy, layoffs, or being staffed on a matter with another One-Upper.

2. The Entrapper Mid-Level

The Entrapper attempts to raise her own profile at work by contriving situations to make it look like you're slacking off. For example, she'll stop by your office at 9 pm, see that you've stepped out for dinner, and then race back to her office to email the partner with a CC to you stating that since you left for the evening, all further requests should be directed to her.

Sending items through the inter-office mail to slow you down is one of her classic moves, as is sticking Post-Its on your monitor after hours with urgent instructions. She also loves to check in on the status of assignments and update your lack of progress directly to the partner.

Dead Giveaways: Leaves "where are you?" voicemails, reeks of take-out, lives in an apartment within walking distance of the office, checks BlackBerry during meetings with you.

Kryptonite: Self-implosion or destruction of her home life.

3. The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing Senior Associate

The WISC seems like the nicest person in the world ... until he blindsides you with scathing, sneak attack reviews. Suddenly, all those deadlines that he told you were flexible were hard, your memo that he took credit for and forwarded to the client lacked "critical thinking," and those heartfelt conversations you and the he had were "unprofessional intrusions" into his personal life.

After a cooling off period following the review he distances himself from you as you digest the betrayal. Then he'll act like nothing happened.

Dead Giveaways: BCCs, uses personal information against you, pastes strategically damning parts of email into reviews, suspiciously pleasant demeanor.

Kryptonite: The WISC usually cultivates close relationships with one or two partners, and then uses this trust to lend credibility to his reviews. As such, you can destroy a WISC only if the sponsoring partners lateral or the WISC otherwise loses his protected status.

4. The Passive-Aggressive Partner

If you've ever worked for a partner who fails to respond to multiple email messages at critical times, you've worked for a classic Passive-Aggressive.

A typical PA assigns vague research at 6 pm on Fridays before three day weekends and send team-wide emails about how "we" need to remember to proof our briefs rather than having a private, in-person confrontation with the associate who screwed up. He asks questions to which he knows the answers and frequently engages in staring contests.

Dead Giveaways: Assigns make work with phantom deadlines, tells associates they'll have to "play it by ear" when it comes to their vacation requests, resents associates who do not attend his CLE presentations.

Kryptonite: Mandatory retirement.

5. The Indignant Admin

The Indignant Admin believes she was born to do great things ... and entering your timesheets is not one of them. IAs routinely screw up assignments, play Free Cell, and offer unwelcome strategic input on a case.

She is fanatical about her desk property, typically mounting signs that say, "This Purell Is Not Free! Buy Your Own!" and sending floor-wide threatening email messages in red Courier New demanding that whoever took her scissors return them immediately. Associates assigned to IAs who also work for partners can expect to have all their requests ignored.

Dead Giveaways: Inability to perform any task without errors, listens to the radio, commuting delays, takes full number of sick days, complains about your holiday gift.

Kryptonite: A bad review by a partner. A new word processor or other technology.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on May 17, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

Two weeks ago, I received my New York State attorney registration form in the mail. It asks me to certify by June 16th that I've taken the mandatory number of Continuing Legal Education credits in the past two years and solicits my "biennial registration fee" of $350. Of course, those of you toiling away in large law firms can earn all your credits at your firm and even have your firm pick up your registration fee — but that doesn't mean your CLE experience couldn't stand some improvement.

MCLE: GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS

Requiring lawyers to continue learning is a great idea in theory. But in practice, the mandatory CLE (MCLE) system fails miserably at this mission. MCLE amounts to little more than an expensive hassle (time-wise if not monetarily) in which the educational value gets lost in the mix. New York State may ask me to register my license to practice, but I would rather register my protest … against the current MCLE system.

If you're like most other Biglaw attorneys, you probably choose the CLE classes you attend based on the type and number of CLE credits offered, not the relevance to your practice area. For example, if you're short ethics credits as your certification date approaches, you'll likely attend a class on mediation ethics issues even if you're a tax attorney. The class may be interesting, but it arguably won't help your tax practice.

Even worse, let's say you skipped all your in-house CLE lectures and now have to cram by attending a three-day seminar in some hotel ballroom. Look to your left and look to your right — you'll no doubt see fellow lawyers focusing more on their BlackBerrys than the lectures.

MCLE creates a perverse incentive system.

And it's also tantamount to a regressive tax as those lawyers least able to afford CLE have to pay the most. In New York, CLE providers must offer fee waivers or fee reductions to attorneys who earn less than $50,000 per year, but that's small comfort for those who don't qualify.

THREE SUGGESTED CHANGES

Encouraging attorneys to hone their legal skills and knowledge is a worthy goal. Thus, rather than eliminate MCLE we should instead try to change it from within the system and without so that it actually achieves its purported goal.

1. Practice Area Emphasis

States could require attorneys to obtain CLE credits in their area of practice on a rolling basis. Restricting how lawyers can earn their credits would be more of a hassle than the current MCLE system, but states could reduce the number of credits required.

2. Level the Learning Field

States could also increase their registration fees, but set aside most of the funds in private accounts for each lawyer to use on MCLE courses. Large firms that offer in-house CLE would not be eligible to receive any funds. Thus, the haves and have nots in the legal profession would effectively pay about the same for MCLE.

3. Post Mortems

Not every change has to come from the outside. Taking a page from hospitals, large firms that offer their own in-house CLE could use these programs to conduct post mortems on the firm's recently concluded casework. For example, lecturers could share best practice and mistakes, which vendor they chose for an eDiscovery job, an interesting court opinion that helped win an oral argument, etc. These post mortems would have the added benefit of giving junior associates public speaking experience.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.