Originally published on October 11, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.
If you work in a large law firm, you've probably felt it lately — that ineffable shiver in the air, that growing sense of anticipation. It's that time of year again — the first-year associates are arriving. Any minute now, hordes of fresh, hungry first-years will flood the halls of your firm, armed with nothing but hope and a closet full of new dress pants. Some of them will be married or otherwise attached — for now, at least. Most won't be. And that's where things get complicated — and interesting!See, if you're a single biglaw lawyer, you're well aware that your options for finding a date, much less a mate, are pretty much limited to people working within a 11-foot radius of your office building. But even if you find yourself face to face with a live target, it's tough to make a connection. Part of the problem is that for every six minutes of billable time you get under your belt, you lose a proportional percentage of what the kids call "game." By the time you're, say, a sixth-year associate, you've lost absolutely all ability to flirt. Every last bit. At best, your efforts scream "Avoid Me"; at worst, they scream "Unabomber." Either way, you need some help. So, if you want to improve your flirting skills, and score a date among the junior ranks at your firm without getting yourself rejected, or worse, in trouble, study these six rules.
1. Be Interesting. Or at Least Pretend to Be.
You know what young, sexy associates find irresistible? The inner workings of the PIK-toggle feature from the convertible high-yield bond offering that you closed last week. What? Not convinced? Funny, you're not alone.
Look, if you remember just one tip from this article, let it be this: There is literally not one thing in the universe that will make a young associate want to date you less than talking about substantive work outside of work — especially when that work involves topics like '34 Act compliance and interpleader motions. Truly, even the weather is a better choice for a conversational opener if you're really struggling. Just pick anything but work.
So, if you find yourself in a social, flirting-friendly situation with that cute first-year who sits down the hall and you really can't think of anything to talk about aside from your latest deal or case, just count to three and start talking about hurricanes.
2. Snowboarding? Really? When?
Look, I get it. When you're flirting with a junior associate, you're trying to come across as someone who's young and fun and adventurous. But when you let it slip that you try to "hit the powder" every weekend, you come across as more "Matlock on Ice … and Possibly Drugs" than "Shaun White, Esq." Remember: The junior associates work at same firm that you do. They see you every day and know that your biggest exposure to the great outdoors involves the half-block walk from your office to Starbucks. In other words, you're just like them. So scale back boasting about your glamorous hobbies and keep it simple.
3. Armani. Go. Now.
We've all met this person: The equity partner wearing a wrinkled, double-breasted suit whose shoulder pads are exceeded in girth only by the pit stains lurking a few inches south. Or the senior associate parading around the firm with a $75,000 bonus … and scuffed, square-toed rubber bootlets that debuted at Steve Madden circa 1994.
Do. Not. Be. This. Person.
That junior associate with whom you're flirting will forgive you for certain things beyond your control — hair line, bust line, jaw line — but only if you're putting in effort when it comes to how you put yourself together. After all, if you're a partner or close to it, you should be rolling in piles of biglaw dough by now. But those golden handcuffs can only help you get a date if you keep them nice and shiny. Step it up.
4. Take the Ring Off. Better Yet, Don't Even Bother.
Believe it or not, not every associate aspires to become a home wrecker. In fact, they try to avoid it. So, if you're already married, but you just have to flirt with every new associate that passes through your line of vision, fine — but at least take off your wedding ring first. Ditto the glamour-shots of your latest spouse and kids sitting on your desk.
Cruising for action in the junior ranks when you're clearly married doesn't make you seem suave and cosmopolitan; it makes you seem vile and pathetic. If you're that desperate for some extramarital action, go find a hooker. Or better yet, a marriage counselor. Either way, leave the junior associates alone.
5. Don't Date in Your Department.
Your department is where dating becomes even trickier. Even in the largest firms, if you try out your charms on a new associate and get dinged, you'll probably still run into each other now and then. Awkward but not the end of the world.
But if this associate works in your local practice group, you'll cross paths … over and over again. And worse, depending on how you badly you navigated the initial flirting, the associate probably mentioned your little encounter to a few friends in her class, who then told a few friends in the next class, etc. Within a day or two, every person in your department knows that you tried to make a move on the new kid and got shot down.
Since you can't avoid this new associate, you'll probably just start to give her the cold shoulder, and maybe even torture her a little bit when she winds up getting staffed on one of your deals. Or who knows, maybe you'll try flirting with her again, just to show her that there are no hard feelings. Which brings us to …
6. Sex Is Fun. Sexual Harassment Is Not.
This tip should go without saying for lawyers, but, for the love of God, don't confuse flirting with harassing some poor associate. If you dip your toe in flirtatious waters and are met with a cold, wet sting, just dry off and move onto your next target. The junior associate who politely declined your overture is probably just terrified of and/or repulsed by you. It happens. There's not much you can do to make it better, but don't make it worse. Junior associates may not remember much from law school, but you can bet they recall the elements of a good Title VII hostile work environment claim. Use your head.
Legal Tease has clocked more years than she cares to remember working in one of the world's largest law firms. She writes regularly at Sweet Hot Justice, which we encourage you to bookmark and read religiously.
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