TechnoLawyer

Originally published on December 7, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

The end of the year is right around the corner, folks. And if you're an associate working in biglaw, you know what that brings: partner drunkscapades at the firm's holiday party, reluctant realizations that you've spent yet another year trading whatever straggling shards of youth you have left for a bucketful of billable hours, and … year-end associate reviews!

Yes, it's once again report card time for biglaw associates, that time of year when your supervisors weigh in on your progress — or lack thereof — on the path to partnership. But what do these reviews really mean? What hidden messages lurk within your supervisors' vague appraisals? Are you on the way up or out?

Below you'll find translations of five common strains of associate review-speak to help you figure out if you should pat yourself on the back — or watch your back — as this year wraps up.

1. "We Thank You for Your Impressive Billable Contributions to the Firm, Though We Encourage You to Seek Out Pro Bono Work in Addition to Your Billable Client Matters."

Don't change a thing. And for the love of God, don't seek out pro bono work. Ever. Don't even say the words "pro bono" out loud — it'll only waste precious billable minutes. Just keep yourself locked in your office like you always do, remember to shower once in a while, and keep billing until you pass out and/or have a psychotic episode. You're on the way up, kid!

2. "Your Greatest Strengths Are Your Positive Attitude and Contribution to Firm Citizenship."

You will never make partner. You might have a shot at "of counsel" but shouldn't count on it.

You can, however, count on being appointed co-chair of the firm's Happiness Committee or Work-Life Balance Initiative or whatever other pile of nonsense the firm throws together to dupe associate recruits into thinking that working in a law firm is just like working at a hugging factory, but with bigger paychecks.

Calm down, though. You're safe for at least a few more years before you and your greatest strengths will be shown the door. (And by then, with any luck, you will already have had the good sense to move somewhere far, far away from biglaw, where your positive attitude really will help you get ahead.)

3. "We Strongly Encourage You to Seek Out Increased Business Development Opportunities at the Firm in the Coming Year."

As you're no doubt already aware, you're That Associate. Everyone at the firm knows that you were hired because of (a) your father's last name, (b) your mother's last name, or (c) both. Maybe Dad is a senator or Mom is a Getty or they both have their names on a few buildings at NYU.

Whichever it is, the firm will only wait so long for its little gamble on you to pay off. If you don't put your golden pedigree to work and pony up some business for the firm stat, you'll be … well, you'll probably be just fine. More than fine, actually. But you'll be looking for a new job sooner than you might think.

4. "We Appreciate Your Contribution to the Firm But Reiterate the Importance of Keeping Pace With Other Members Of Your Class in Terms of the Scope and Breadth of Your Billable Matters."

You will be fired within the next three to six months. You probably realized that about a year ago right around the time when you started wearing jeans on alternate Fridays and started thinking about writing that novel — but the firm is just now starting to catch up.

But don't worry, they won't let you go until the next review period. So just keep calm and spend the next few months polishing up your resume, depositing those paychecks, and relocating as many office supplies as you can. Consider this time an extended severance package — you might as well make the most of it. And get cracking on that novel.

5. "Your Work On the Client X Matter Was Competently Executed and Much Appreciated."

The person who wrote this review has literally no idea who you are. Your name cropped up on the list of associates who billed time to one of the 800 matters he supervised and he wrote the review roughly four minutes before it was due. Hell, you may not have even worked for this person at all — you probably entered the wrong supervisor code on one of your timesheets and got punted to this poor slob's list of supervisees by mistake.

But, hey, at least the review was positive — think of it as the firm's special way of wishing you happy holidays. Enjoy it while it lasts.

Photo Credit: The Two Bobs from the film Office Space

Legal Tease has clocked more years than she cares to remember working in one of the world's largest law firms. She writes regularly at Sweet Hot Justice, which we encourage you to bookmark and read religiously.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on November 8, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

If you're a biglaw partner and have spent any time cruising around the latest legal blogs, or, hell, even cruising around your office building, you've probably noticed the obvious: Your associates don't much care for you. In fact, on most days, we sort of hate you. A lot.

And no, it's not because you make scads more money than we do, or just because you're our bosses. It's mostly about the small stuff — the grating little things you do on a daily basis that make us, on a good day, resent you and, on a bad day, want to go target shooting with your professional headshot.

But there's hope! All it takes is a little self-awareness mixed with a dash of self-restraint. So, take a hard look at the five most common hate-mongering partner habits below and if any of them seem familiar … stop! Before you know it, the only people left hating you will be your clients.

1. Pick One — Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde

If you're going to be a jerk, be a jerk. We're okay with that. Actually, we expect it. The problems start when you pull the cool partner" act, treating us to happy hour cocktails and encouraging us to set personal boundaries one day — and then turning into a drooling bipolar lunatic the next day when we don't answer your 2 am email within 30 seconds. Just pick one emotional identity and stick with it. We may not like you for it, but at least we won't hate you … or try to have you committed.

2. Get Over Yourself and Give Out That "A"

Remember that professor you had in law school — the one who refused to give any grade higher than a B+ because he believed that no one (aside from himself, of course) was actually smart enough to deserve an "A"? Well, tuck that fond memory in the back of your mind the next time you fill out associate reviews.

In other words, don't be like the infamous IP litigation partner in my firm who refuses to give a top review score to any first-year associate, as a matter of self-proclaimed policy. Look, we get it. We're just lowly junior associates. Someday, if we work really, really, really hard, maybe we'll be as amazing as you are. But in the meanwhile, these reviews determine our bonuses. So, give credit if credit is due — or live with the results.

3. Pause Before Sending Us That Facebook "Friend" Request

Really? Do you really want to be "friends" with us, on a social networking Web site or otherwise? Why? You barely make eye contact with us, much less talk to us. If you actually want to be friends with us, start by … well, moving to a new firm. Or stopping by to say "hi" once in a while. And if you're just hoping to see drunk pictures of us, try buying us drinks and bringing a camera. Either way, leave our online alter egos alone.

4. Save the Teaching Points for Morning

Training is great. We love it! That's why we chose to work at a large law firm in the first place — those big, fat, biweekly … training sessions. We actually appreciate it when you take the time to explain the background behind a fine point of law or a general practice pointer to us — just not when you do it at 2 am from your vacation lake house in Tahoe while we're at the office closing a deal for you after a string of all-nighters. So, please, keep the practice pointers coming, but try to use some discretion when handing them down. At the very least, wait until daybreak.

5. Avoid the Blame Game

Who doesn't love a speeding bus? Associates, that's who — especially when you throw us under one. Look, we understand that we make mistakes now and then — big ones, sometimes. We don't expect you to cover for us in front of a client (though if you do I can assure you that you'll earn more fierce loyalty from us than you can imagine, no matter how much of a jerk you may otherwise be).

But nothing will prompt us to gather a figurative lynch mob outside your office faster than blaming us for your mistakes in front of a client. Not only is it vile and pathetic, it's a cop out. You're supposed to be a leader, right? When someone you supposedly supervise screws up, you're just as much to blame as they are. So suck it up, grow a backbone, and take one for your team once in a while.

And don't worry. You can always take it out on us later in private. This is biglaw after all. We wouldn't expect anything less.

Legal Tease has clocked more years than she cares to remember working in one of the world's largest law firms. She writes regularly at Sweet Hot Justice, which we encourage you to bookmark and read religiously.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on October 11, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

If you work in a large law firm, you've probably felt it lately — that ineffable shiver in the air, that growing sense of anticipation. It's that time of year again — the first-year associates are arriving. Any minute now, hordes of fresh, hungry first-years will flood the halls of your firm, armed with nothing but hope and a closet full of new dress pants. Some of them will be married or otherwise attached — for now, at least. Most won't be. And that's where things get complicated — and interesting!

See, if you're a single biglaw lawyer, you're well aware that your options for finding a date, much less a mate, are pretty much limited to people working within a 11-foot radius of your office building. But even if you find yourself face to face with a live target, it's tough to make a connection. Part of the problem is that for every six minutes of billable time you get under your belt, you lose a proportional percentage of what the kids call "game." By the time you're, say, a sixth-year associate, you've lost absolutely all ability to flirt. Every last bit. At best, your efforts scream "Avoid Me"; at worst, they scream "Unabomber." Either way, you need some help. So, if you want to improve your flirting skills, and score a date among the junior ranks at your firm without getting yourself rejected, or worse, in trouble, study these six rules.

1. Be Interesting. Or at Least Pretend to Be.

You know what young, sexy associates find irresistible? The inner workings of the PIK-toggle feature from the convertible high-yield bond offering that you closed last week. What? Not convinced? Funny, you're not alone.

Look, if you remember just one tip from this article, let it be this: There is literally not one thing in the universe that will make a young associate want to date you less than talking about substantive work outside of work — especially when that work involves topics like '34 Act compliance and interpleader motions. Truly, even the weather is a better choice for a conversational opener if you're really struggling. Just pick anything but work.

So, if you find yourself in a social, flirting-friendly situation with that cute first-year who sits down the hall and you really can't think of anything to talk about aside from your latest deal or case, just count to three and start talking about hurricanes.

2. Snowboarding? Really? When?

Look, I get it. When you're flirting with a junior associate, you're trying to come across as someone who's young and fun and adventurous. But when you let it slip that you try to "hit the powder" every weekend, you come across as more "Matlock on Ice … and Possibly Drugs" than "Shaun White, Esq." Remember: The junior associates work at same firm that you do. They see you every day and know that your biggest exposure to the great outdoors involves the half-block walk from your office to Starbucks. In other words, you're just like them. So scale back boasting about your glamorous hobbies and keep it simple.

3. Armani. Go. Now.

We've all met this person: The equity partner wearing a wrinkled, double-breasted suit whose shoulder pads are exceeded in girth only by the pit stains lurking a few inches south. Or the senior associate parading around the firm with a $75,000 bonus … and scuffed, square-toed rubber bootlets that debuted at Steve Madden circa 1994.

Do. Not. Be. This. Person.

That junior associate with whom you're flirting will forgive you for certain things beyond your control — hair line, bust line, jaw line — but only if you're putting in effort when it comes to how you put yourself together. After all, if you're a partner or close to it, you should be rolling in piles of biglaw dough by now. But those golden handcuffs can only help you get a date if you keep them nice and shiny. Step it up.

4. Take the Ring Off. Better Yet, Don't Even Bother.

Believe it or not, not every associate aspires to become a home wrecker. In fact, they try to avoid it. So, if you're already married, but you just have to flirt with every new associate that passes through your line of vision, fine — but at least take off your wedding ring first. Ditto the glamour-shots of your latest spouse and kids sitting on your desk.

Cruising for action in the junior ranks when you're clearly married doesn't make you seem suave and cosmopolitan; it makes you seem vile and pathetic. If you're that desperate for some extramarital action, go find a hooker. Or better yet, a marriage counselor. Either way, leave the junior associates alone.

5. Don't Date in Your Department.

Your department is where dating becomes even trickier. Even in the largest firms, if you try out your charms on a new associate and get dinged, you'll probably still run into each other now and then. Awkward but not the end of the world.

But if this associate works in your local practice group, you'll cross paths … over and over again. And worse, depending on how you badly you navigated the initial flirting, the associate probably mentioned your little encounter to a few friends in her class, who then told a few friends in the next class, etc. Within a day or two, every person in your department knows that you tried to make a move on the new kid and got shot down.

Since you can't avoid this new associate, you'll probably just start to give her the cold shoulder, and maybe even torture her a little bit when she winds up getting staffed on one of your deals. Or who knows, maybe you'll try flirting with her again, just to show her that there are no hard feelings. Which brings us to …

6. Sex Is Fun. Sexual Harassment Is Not.

This tip should go without saying for lawyers, but, for the love of God, don't confuse flirting with harassing some poor associate. If you dip your toe in flirtatious waters and are met with a cold, wet sting, just dry off and move onto your next target. The junior associate who politely declined your overture is probably just terrified of and/or repulsed by you. It happens. There's not much you can do to make it better, but don't make it worse. Junior associates may not remember much from law school, but you can bet they recall the elements of a good Title VII hostile work environment claim. Use your head.

Legal Tease has clocked more years than she cares to remember working in one of the world's largest law firms. She writes regularly at Sweet Hot Justice, which we encourage you to bookmark and read religiously.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.