Originally published on April 12, 2011 in our free BigLaw newsletter. Instead of reading BigLaw here after the fact, sign up now to receive future issues in realtime.
If you take away one lesson from all of my BigLaw columns, let it be this: appearances matter. I don't just mean looking hot — though that's important too. I mean maintaining the right image at your firm. Any old associate or counsel can bill hours or write memos, but not everyone can play the part. And in large law firms, it's not the work you do, but the work partners think you do that counts.
During the recession, plenty of hardworking, talented associates got laid off, while some of their mediocre peers kept their jobs. That's because instead of producing quality work and praying that somebody on the executive committee would notice, the mediocre associates focused on broadcasting their work first, and then producing it … fifth. Just like the proverbial tree that falls in the forest with no one to hear it, lawyers who work hard but don't brag about it don't reap the fruits of their labor.
In this issue of BigLaw, I share five secrets about a topic near and dear to my heart — how to succeed in a large law firm without really trying. When you finish reading this column, you'll have all the necessary tools to stop working and get busy slacking.
1. Pull a Christian Bale
Playing the role of a dedicated associate starts with method acting. Nobody's going to believe that you're pulling long hours and closing deals if you look like a million bucks.
To start looking the part, you have to emulate Christian Bale's habits. Stop exercising and start eating only processed foods. Set your alarm to wake you up every four hours (or just don't sleep at all). Stay dressed in your work clothes for a few days and speckle your rumpled garb with balsamic vinaigrette stains. Shower infrequently and put parmesan cheese in your hair to simulate dandruff.
If you're a guy, shave, but not too often, and occasionally nick yourself and show up to work with bloody scraps of toilet paper stuck to your face. If people start asking if everything is okay, you're on the right track.
2. Prepare Your Office
What kind of faux-hardworking associate has time to clean his office? Not you. Create the right stench by letting old delivery food fester in your garbage can, and then print some email messages and throw them on the floor.
Since personal lives are for associates and counsel who aren't committed to their jobs, remove any photographs of family and friends from your desk and replace them with deal toys purchased from eBay. Line your bookshelves with blank Xerox paper bound into closing sets and label them on the spine with important deal names, such as "Project Evergreen."
Now you're beginning to look like you bill some serious hours!
3. Give Them a Show
Standing out from the pack takes more than just poor personal hygiene and a disgusting office. You also have to demonstrate to partners that you're working around the clock by putting on a show.
If you work in a business casual office, wear a suit once a week for no reason to make it look like you went to court or had a client meeting. Better yet, stuff a litigation bag with Styrofoam popcorn and drag it with you everywhere. Sure, litigation has gone paperless but the baby boomer partners who run the firm don't know that.
When at your desk, give the impression that you're working by keeping a document open on your screen and highlighting leisure reading materials printed from the Web.
4. Leave a Paper Trail
Big Brother is always watching, so it's important to leave an electronic trail that corroborates your sham work performance. You're a TechnoLawyer subscriber so you should have no problem setting up Outlook to deploy emails at ungodly hours.
Some other gimmes to beat the system include:
• Checking out a bunch of documents at a time and making inconsequential edits to them so people think you're working on them.
• Swiping in to work on the weekends with your building ID card while en route to brunch, the gym, Saks Fifth Avenue, etc.
• Sending around a vacation memo to a bunch of partners and then noisily cancelling your fake vacation last minute because of work.
• Submitting constant requests for more business cards.
• Responding to "volunteers needed" email messages hours or even days after they are sent.
Advanced-level slackers may also want to join the firm's intramural volleyball team and then cancel before each game via email to the entire distribution list.
5. When You Absolutely, Positively Must Work
Even master slackers eventually have to perform the occasional task to justify their salaries. Fortunately, shortcuts exist around most assignments.
For example, litigators needn't get bogged down by legal research on LexisNexis or Westlaw when cheap labor in India can handle it for you. Just ask Tim Ferriss. And transactional associates can turn documents faster by bracketing language and dropping footnotes that state "to discuss."
Don't Just Stand There. Start Slacking!
Nobody ever said success without trying was easy. But the benefits you'll reap by being a "squeaky wheel" make working hard at hardly working well worth the limited effort.
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