Originally published on October 7, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.
Urban Dictionary, that distant, surly cousin of the Oxford English Dictionary, defines "douchebag" as "an individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth … [who] behav[es] ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears." One of the pitfalls of working in a large firm is that you run the risk of becoming a douchebag.The transformation to office jerk typically starts innocently enough — a monogrammed shirt here, a four page absence memo there — that is, until your bad habits overtake your persona and you become the person that you swore you'd never become — a douchebag. In this issue of BigLaw, you'll learn how to recognize the signs of douchebagdom, and how to prevent or reverse this unfortunate but curable condition. Simply implement the "de-d-bagging" techniques described below, and put your concerns to rest.
1. Cleansing Your Office
If home is where the heart is, the office is where the douche lives. These tips will help you douchebag proof your physical office space:
- Remove all awards, degrees, and Ansel Adams lithographs from your walls.
- Return to the IT Department the 1-800-Dentist headset that you use for telephone calls.
- Dismantle and discard any torchiere floor lamps.
- Lose the Bose speakers, especially if they contain an iPod dock.
- Refrain from using any pen that: (1) is a fountain pen; (2) requires a twisting motion to expose the tip; (3) is engraved; (4) is sold individually; (5) uses special ink; or (6) costs more than $5.
- Bring home your golf clubs.
- Remove annoying framed pictures from your desk, including black and white wedding photos of you and your spouse, travel photos of the Golden Gate Bridge or other exotic destinations, and photos with sports celebrities.
- Eliminate any air purifiers.
- Discard (or finish) the bottle of Scotch next to your monitor and don't replace it with another one.
- Clear your bookshelves of distinguished but useless books such as law school textbooks.
A douchebag-proofed office may still have a douchebag as its occupant. If you want to remain "normal," make sure you don't:
- Wear cufflinks or French cuffed shirts.
- Use a money clip.
- Wrap your tie around your head for any reason.
- Carry a leather valise, especially by Tumi. Also, do not use the term "valise."
- Wear driving shoes/loafers without socks, sport tasseled shoes, pants with animals embroidered on them, or polo shirts with popped collars.
- Allow copies of The New Yorker, Architectural Digest, Food & Wine, or Milan Kundera books to "accidentally" peek out from your (former) valise.
Now that you've cleansed (and in doing so upgraded) your office and personage, it's time for the final step. Below you'll find some subtle ways to let your colleagues and clients know that you're a changed man or woman:
- Stop using the email salutation "Gentleman."
- Delete your "Sent from my iPad" email signature line. You can keep your iPad, but don't walk around with it or bring it to the bathroom.
- Don't ask for a roll call on a conference call when everybody knows who's on the phone.
- Resist the urge to send blacklines that spell out numbers and identify them in parentheses, as if people are illiterate, e.g., "twenty-nine (29)."
- Refrain from talking about "destroying" the other side in court.
- Don't fake complain about your hours for the purpose of bragging and subtly finding out what others' billed.
- Turn off the light in your office when you leave instead of leaving it on, closing the door and pretending you're still at work.
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