TechnoLawyer: BiglawWorld

Originally published on October 11, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

If you work in a large law firm, you've probably felt it lately — that ineffable shiver in the air, that growing sense of anticipation. It's that time of year again — the first-year associates are arriving. Any minute now, hordes of fresh, hungry first-years will flood the halls of your firm, armed with nothing but hope and a closet full of new dress pants. Some of them will be married or otherwise attached — for now, at least. Most won't be. And that's where things get complicated — and interesting!

See, if you're a single biglaw lawyer, you're well aware that your options for finding a date, much less a mate, are pretty much limited to people working within a 11-foot radius of your office building. But even if you find yourself face to face with a live target, it's tough to make a connection. Part of the problem is that for every six minutes of billable time you get under your belt, you lose a proportional percentage of what the kids call "game." By the time you're, say, a sixth-year associate, you've lost absolutely all ability to flirt. Every last bit. At best, your efforts scream "Avoid Me"; at worst, they scream "Unabomber." Either way, you need some help. So, if you want to improve your flirting skills, and score a date among the junior ranks at your firm without getting yourself rejected, or worse, in trouble, study these six rules.

1. Be Interesting. Or at Least Pretend to Be.

You know what young, sexy associates find irresistible? The inner workings of the PIK-toggle feature from the convertible high-yield bond offering that you closed last week. What? Not convinced? Funny, you're not alone.

Look, if you remember just one tip from this article, let it be this: There is literally not one thing in the universe that will make a young associate want to date you less than talking about substantive work outside of work — especially when that work involves topics like '34 Act compliance and interpleader motions. Truly, even the weather is a better choice for a conversational opener if you're really struggling. Just pick anything but work.

So, if you find yourself in a social, flirting-friendly situation with that cute first-year who sits down the hall and you really can't think of anything to talk about aside from your latest deal or case, just count to three and start talking about hurricanes.

2. Snowboarding? Really? When?

Look, I get it. When you're flirting with a junior associate, you're trying to come across as someone who's young and fun and adventurous. But when you let it slip that you try to "hit the powder" every weekend, you come across as more "Matlock on Ice … and Possibly Drugs" than "Shaun White, Esq." Remember: The junior associates work at same firm that you do. They see you every day and know that your biggest exposure to the great outdoors involves the half-block walk from your office to Starbucks. In other words, you're just like them. So scale back boasting about your glamorous hobbies and keep it simple.

3. Armani. Go. Now.

We've all met this person: The equity partner wearing a wrinkled, double-breasted suit whose shoulder pads are exceeded in girth only by the pit stains lurking a few inches south. Or the senior associate parading around the firm with a $75,000 bonus … and scuffed, square-toed rubber bootlets that debuted at Steve Madden circa 1994.

Do. Not. Be. This. Person.

That junior associate with whom you're flirting will forgive you for certain things beyond your control — hair line, bust line, jaw line — but only if you're putting in effort when it comes to how you put yourself together. After all, if you're a partner or close to it, you should be rolling in piles of biglaw dough by now. But those golden handcuffs can only help you get a date if you keep them nice and shiny. Step it up.

4. Take the Ring Off. Better Yet, Don't Even Bother.

Believe it or not, not every associate aspires to become a home wrecker. In fact, they try to avoid it. So, if you're already married, but you just have to flirt with every new associate that passes through your line of vision, fine — but at least take off your wedding ring first. Ditto the glamour-shots of your latest spouse and kids sitting on your desk.

Cruising for action in the junior ranks when you're clearly married doesn't make you seem suave and cosmopolitan; it makes you seem vile and pathetic. If you're that desperate for some extramarital action, go find a hooker. Or better yet, a marriage counselor. Either way, leave the junior associates alone.

5. Don't Date in Your Department.

Your department is where dating becomes even trickier. Even in the largest firms, if you try out your charms on a new associate and get dinged, you'll probably still run into each other now and then. Awkward but not the end of the world.

But if this associate works in your local practice group, you'll cross paths … over and over again. And worse, depending on how you badly you navigated the initial flirting, the associate probably mentioned your little encounter to a few friends in her class, who then told a few friends in the next class, etc. Within a day or two, every person in your department knows that you tried to make a move on the new kid and got shot down.

Since you can't avoid this new associate, you'll probably just start to give her the cold shoulder, and maybe even torture her a little bit when she winds up getting staffed on one of your deals. Or who knows, maybe you'll try flirting with her again, just to show her that there are no hard feelings. Which brings us to …

6. Sex Is Fun. Sexual Harassment Is Not.

This tip should go without saying for lawyers, but, for the love of God, don't confuse flirting with harassing some poor associate. If you dip your toe in flirtatious waters and are met with a cold, wet sting, just dry off and move onto your next target. The junior associate who politely declined your overture is probably just terrified of and/or repulsed by you. It happens. There's not much you can do to make it better, but don't make it worse. Junior associates may not remember much from law school, but you can bet they recall the elements of a good Title VII hostile work environment claim. Use your head.

Legal Tease has clocked more years than she cares to remember working in one of the world's largest law firms. She writes regularly at Sweet Hot Justice, which we encourage you to bookmark and read religiously.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on October 7, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

Urban Dictionary, that distant, surly cousin of the Oxford English Dictionary, defines "douchebag" as "an individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth … [who] behav[es] ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears." One of the pitfalls of working in a large firm is that you run the risk of becoming a douchebag.

The transformation to office jerk typically starts innocently enough — a monogrammed shirt here, a four page absence memo there — that is, until your bad habits overtake your persona and you become the person that you swore you'd never become — a douchebag. In this issue of BigLaw, you'll learn how to recognize the signs of douchebagdom, and how to prevent or reverse this unfortunate but curable condition. Simply implement the "de-d-bagging" techniques described below, and put your concerns to rest.

1. Cleansing Your Office

If home is where the heart is, the office is where the douche lives. These tips will help you douchebag proof your physical office space:

• Remove all awards, degrees, and Ansel Adams lithographs from your walls.


• Return to the IT Department the 1-800-Dentist headset that you use for telephone calls.


• Dismantle and discard any torchiere floor lamps.


• Lose the Bose speakers, especially if they contain an iPod dock.


• Refrain from using any pen that: (1) is a fountain pen; (2) requires a twisting motion to expose the tip; (3) is engraved; (4) is sold individually; (5) uses special ink; or (6) costs more than $5.


• Bring home your golf clubs.


• Remove annoying framed pictures from your desk, including black and white wedding photos of you and your spouse, travel photos of the Golden Gate Bridge or other exotic destinations, and photos with sports celebrities.


• Eliminate any air purifiers.


• Discard (or finish) the bottle of Scotch next to your monitor and don't replace it with another one.


• Clear your bookshelves of distinguished but useless books such as law school textbooks.

2. Cleansing Your Personal Habits

A douchebag-proofed office may still have a douchebag as its occupant. If you want to remain "normal," make sure you don't:

• Wear cufflinks or French cuffed shirts.


• Use a money clip.


• Wrap your tie around your head for any reason.


• Carry a leather valise, especially by Tumi. Also, do not use the term "valise."


• Wear driving shoes/loafers without socks, sport tasseled shoes, pants with animals embroidered on them, or polo shirts with popped collars.


• Allow copies of The New Yorker, Architectural Digest, Food & Wine, or Milan Kundera books to "accidentally" peek out from your (former) valise.

3. Cleansing Your Work Communications

Now that you've cleansed (and in doing so upgraded) your office and personage, it's time for the final step. Below you'll find some subtle ways to let your colleagues and clients know that you're a changed man or woman:

• Stop using the email salutation "Gentleman."


• Delete your "Sent from my iPad" email signature line. You can keep your iPad, but don't walk around with it or bring it to the bathroom.


• Don't ask for a roll call on a conference call when everybody knows who's on the phone.


• Resist the urge to send blacklines that spell out numbers and identify them in parentheses, as if people are illiterate, e.g., "twenty-nine (29)."


• Refrain from talking about "destroying" the other side in court.


• Don't fake complain about your hours for the purpose of bragging and subtly finding out what others' billed.


• Turn off the light in your office when you leave instead of leaving it on, closing the door and pretending you're still at work.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on September 20, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

Speak and your words appear on screen. What more could a busy lawyer want? Speech recognition is a mature technology that routinely produces astonishing results. So why haven't more large law firms adopted it?

Many lawyers misunderstand Dragon NaturallySpeaking (Dragon), the best-known speech recognition software (available for both Mac OS X and Windows). Dragon doesn't turn lawyers into secretaries. You don't use it to generate finished work product. Nothing beats an experienced assistant for formatting and polishing the first draft of a dictated document. Also, if you assemble documents based upon pre-existing clauses, consider document assembly software instead of speech recognition software.

However, nothing beats Dragon for quickly generating first drafts of unique documents. Your staff can format the document to meet firm style guidelines, and then return it for further review. The more expensive editions of the Dragon line enable you to send your assistant your dictation as both voice and text files. I haven't experimented with this feature, but it should help large firms incorporate Dragon into their workflow.

Lawyers as Typists Is a Red Herring

Once upon a time, lawyers would consider it a waste of their billable time to sit in front of a typewriter or even a computer. Nowadays, many lawyers not only type, but can do so at high speeds. For this reason, many large firms have eschewed speech recognition software. But Dragon can prove more efficient at certain tasks even among the speediest typists at your firm.

For example, email responses usually require a few short sentences. Dragon contains specific time-saving commands for Microsoft Outlook. You can trigger most Outlook functions by speaking the command (i.e., say "Send" instead of clicking the "Send" button). You can easily create your own commands, so that saying "Sign Email" inserts the firm's name, contact information, and any disclosure notices. Set up one command to insert multiple addresses into your email when you regularly contact the same groups.

Speech recognition software is also the best way to take notes of your telephone conversations. Purchase a headset that enables you to press a button to choose between answering your phone and dictation. In my own practice, Amicus Attorney dials my client and opens a message slip for conversation notes. Most practice management programs offer a similar function. If my client places me on hold during the conversation, or at conversation's end, I dictate file notes. Notes tend to be longer and ultimately more useful when dictated.

Remember that speech recognition includes number recognition. You can switch Dragon to "numbers mode," which tells the program to recognize all speech as numbers. Few lawyers have the typing skills to input numbers into spreadsheets as accurately as Dragon.

Many other programs require minimal input without review or revision: databases, document management systems, litigation support software, etc. No one dictates this information to staff for transcription. These programs are all well-suited to Dragon.

Consider Hiring a Pro to Help Your Lawyers Become Pros

If you want to test Dragon for law firm use, set up a fair trial. As with any powerful software, hire a consultant. The software is not analogous to common programs and benefits from subtle fine-tuning. Dictation results without proper set up are amazing, but the gold standard of near-100% accuracy requires a consultant's guidance. A consultant can help you remove such dictation stumbling blocks as recognition of client names and addresses. Dragon can learn this material by reviewing your email and documents, but it's best to let your consultant implement this feature.

Every large firm relies on email, a concept unknown to most of them 20 years ago. Speech recognition software is poised to make similar inroads into daily practice.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on September 13, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

Last week, the legal tabloid site Above the Law reprinted a column that originated on Sweet Hot Justice entitled Does This Law Degree Make My Ass Look Fat? The column made the rounds in various online coffee klatches populated by female lawyers, prefaced by explanatory notes such as, "This author vocalizes something that I and many of my female contemporaries have experienced," and "OMG, this is SO true," and "Duh."

A Romantic Hobson's Choice?

The premise of the Sweet Hot Justice column is as follows (and here I paraphrase):

You're a single guy in your late twenties or early thirties, and you can choose to date one of two female candidates:

The first is Woman A, an attractive 28-year-old with a modest employment history (translation: series of lackluster receptionist jobs), little (or no) career ambition, and an, um, "understated" intellect.

The second, Woman B, is an attractive, financially secure biglaw associate who is also smart, funny, and runs a successful cupcake cartel in her free time.

Faced with these options, posits the column's author, Legal Tease, the average guy will go with Choice A. "Why?" "Because, if the status quo in my firm … and in my life … and in my friends' lives … and in any bar from New York to L.A. is any indication, a law degree confers about as much romantic value to a single woman as a meth habit and a hidden penis."

Has Sweet Hot Justice Laid Down the Law on This Issue?

Have years — even generations — of struggling for gender equality in the workplace led us here — to a romantically barren wasteland? Is it possible that Woman B's cupcake-making is indicative not of her entrepreneurial spirit, but of the free time she has because she can't get a date? If the anecdotal evidence is to be believed, the answer is a simple "Yes."

Sadly, report a number of female associates, the trailblazers to whom we owe our professional opportunities may have set the bar too high — at least for most men to sidle up to and buy us a drink. "Let's face it," says Dawn, a senior associate at a New York law firm, "everyone knows that you can't survive in the law firm world without being fairly aggressive, or at least tough enough to handle the brutal hours, the unpredictable schedule, and the daily battles with adversaries. I think men assume that women who are comfortable in that world are not dating material."

But why? Why aren't fortitude, ambition, and guile more appealing traits than, say, a penchant for shopping, scrapbooking, Farmville, or spending a precious (and potentially billable) hour blow-drying your hair to get prettied up for a suitor? Because, explains Suzanne (also a biglaw associate), men seem to equate these qualities with a tendency to be combative. "Strike that," she adds (with admirable attention to protecting the record). "They hear "litigator" and think "bitch." That's why, when I meet men, I initially tell them that I "work at a law firm." Sooner or later, the truth must prevail, but I don't want to scare them off right away."

Some women noted that (what one litigator referred to as) the "Dating Kryptonite" issue has caused a schism to develop within the ranks of female lawyers within the firm. "Women in law firms have been fighting to balance work and family life, and many firms — including my own — are finally starting to take the needs of working mothers seriously," reports one associate.

"But cast aside in the whole debate are the needs of single women — without the perceived legitimacy of a husband or children, our non-work needs, and lives, are viewed as non-existent, or inconsequential. Everyone assumes that I am available any time, be it a weekend, late night, or holiday, because I'm not married and I don't have kids. Sometimes that's true, and given how many hours I bill, it will probably continue to be true. I don't know whether to be happy for the women who are sitting at home with their kids, or resentful that they leave early while I eat wilted salad at my desk at 9 PM."

The Rise of the Litigatrix

A number of the women I heard from were saddened by the dichotomy between increasing parity in the workplace, on one hand, and a simultaneous plunge in their dating stock. "I place a lot of blame on the way female lawyers are depicted in pop culture," says Kim, a smart, attractive, and inexplicably single associate. "Ally McBeal was an appealing character, but things have gone downhill from there," she wrote in an email. "She was non-threatening — she wore inappropriately short skirts and was totally insecure. I'm sure a lot of guys would have loved to review her briefs."

In recent years, however, the female lawyers portrayed in movies and on TV have grown increasingly bitchy, morphing into what Above the Law's Managing Editor David Lat has described as, "the Litigatrix."

"On the plus side," writes Lat, the Litigatrix is supremely confident and competent. The Litigatrix is very good at her job, and she knows it. Above all, she's strong-willed and tough — a woman making her way in a man's world." But, he warns, "[l]et's not mince words: the Litigatrix is a bitch. She didn't excel in litigation's testosterone-soaked precincts by playing nice."

But wait: there's more. In addition to the pervasive image problem, says associate Dawn, the average female lawyer "lives like a nun, with one critical difference." That difference? "You know how nuns are the brides of Christ?" she explains. "Well, I am the bride of the billable hour. I've been on the verge of going to trial for five months now," she continues. "It keeps getting adjourned, but I have no free time. I meet men, we hit it off, and things are great until they get wind of the fact that I have a very, very heavy workload. The limitations on my time are one issue, but the other issue is control: they have to defer to my schedule, and I think that's a problem in terms of gender dynamics."

Just Desserts?

So, what might help ease the dating drought of the biglaw female lawyer? Where are the men who will welcome a woman who brings home the bacon, but eats it at 11:00 at night with a side of ice cream? Comedian Tiny Fey has one great idea — the Brownie Husband. I'll have time to think of a few more later, when I get home. Not surprisingly, I don't have a date tonight.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on August 16, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

Will Meyerhofer's agent coined the title "the people's therapist" when Meyerhofer, a former biglaw lawyer, explained his sliding fee scale for his therapy practice. When his clients first visit him, he asks them to name the fee they can afford. He runs his practice from his living room with comfortable furniture and tasteful art adorning the walls. Simon, a wire-haired mini dachshund, playfully lounges nearby.

"The sliding scales causes my salary to behave like a roller coaster, but I believe in the ideal of 'to each according to his means, from each according to his ability,'" he tells me. "I always, always put a person in front of money. My mistake when I was a lawyer was that I was too focused on the money."

From Sullivan & Cromwell to Barnes & Noble

Two years into his law career at Sullivan & Cromwell, Will received a performance review suggesting that he "do something else." Once he overcame the initial shock, he took a long look in the proverbial mirror and agreed. He just didn't know how to find that something else. He soon moved to Barnes & Noble's online division, and quickly established himself as a valuable part of their marketing department.

"A job is a role and an identity, not a task. Our work is an expression of who we are. I needed to figure out who I was and who I wasn't. I'm not a team player, I can't stand hierarchy, and I don't like details. I realized I could actually love the person I was, rather the person I was trying to be as an attorney."

After several years, he raised his hand to take a package when Barnes & Noble downsized and enrolled in Hunter College to obtain a Masters in Social Work. Right out of Hunter, he signed on at Saint Vincent's Hospital to run a free program to educate gay men about HIV prevention. He often saw patients for 11 hours a day. Despite once again working biglaw hours, he had a passion for his work.

A Private Practice and Writing Career Blooms

Will's private practice grew from his work at Saint Vincent's. The program at the hospital lasted for a set number of weeks, so his clients often asked if they could continue to see him for private sessions. Two and a half years after its commencement, Saint Vincent's dropped the program, leaving Will to focus on his private practice full time.

"Today my practice consists of lawyers and law students, gay men, and hipsters and artists in equal percentages. They're 18-80 years old from every ethnic background. This practice is really an honor for me. I learn so much from my patients."

With a book on its way to publication, a radio show, and a possible reality TV series in his near future, Will never finds himself idle. As his agent shopped his book to publishers, Will started a blog, The People's Therapist. The blog caught the attention of Above the Law, which offered Will a column after an initial interview resulted in more than 20,000 page views.

A Young Lawyer's Unbearable Debt

I asked Will about the problems his lawyer clients face. His eyes grow wide at the question.

"I know where a lot of these people have been. I know what it's like to be unhappy and to feel trapped. It's painful. And I tell them they have every right to feel exactly the way they feel. I was there, too. I get it."

The subject of today's price tag for a law degree touches a nerve in Will. It immediately riles him, and his passion for the subject comes through in his eyes, voice, and hand gestures. The subject occupies center stage in much of his writing.

"It's criminal what law schools are doing today. 25 year olds have been sold a dream that doesn't exist. They enter their careers saddled with as much as $250,000 of debt that crushes them financially, physically, and emotionally. To make the payments, they end up having to work at big firms that treat them horribly, and soon they are curled up in a corner bawling. Their first words to me are, 'How did I do this?' They feel trapped."

Will goes on to explain the crisis that he sees coming for the legal profession as more and more lawyers are pumped out into a market that has fewer and fewer spaces in large firms. I ask him about the responsibilities that schools should bear for these actions, if any.

"It costs next to nothing for a school to educate a law student: one professor lectures to a packed lecture hall. Law schools are cash cows for universities. It's no coincidence that the President of NYU used to be the President of NYU's law school. It's fraud. These law schools sell false dreams to impressionable, young, eager minds. The students want so much to please and the schools take advantage. And the worst part of it? Law graduates don't even know how to be lawyers. They've spent 3 years on theory, not on learning how to be lawyers. It's a travesty."

A Grope Towards Hope

Will has me agreeing that the situation seems hopeless. So how exactly does he help the hopeless achieve hope?

"For an hour a week, they can come into this room and say whatever they need to say to get this all out. I don't judge them. I don't tell them what to do. I don't tell them that they should feel lucky. I just try to help them to stop beating themselves. All I really want to do is help them steer the ship an inch in a better direction. We need each other to heal."

Closing Argument

Will walks me around his apartment before I leave. He has an extensive and eclectic art collection and an amazing view of New York Harbor. His collection of artifacts illustrates his wide-reaching travels and his love for cultures and histories not his own.

"I'm just a big pile of mush. I just want to help people be happy, you know what I mean? Life is a brief opportunity for joy."

I do. I get it. Will takes his role as a healer very seriously. He lives in a constant state of learning, growing, and evolving. He wants his clients to do the same.

"So, big hugs! This has been so much fun! Let's be friends. Invite me to your parties," he says to me as he opens the door so I can take my leave.

And I know he means it. And when I promise him I will, I mean it, too. Nothing beats authenticity. Our world, inside and outside the big law firms, could use more of it. Will works every day to move us in that direction, one client at a time.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on August 11, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

A few weeks ago, I helped you figure out when it's time to leave your large firm job behind. Whether you've decided to stay put or are feverishly working on your departure memo, you can't claim to have done time in Biglaw without completing certain rites of passage. At my undergrad alma mater, you couldn't graduate (with any dignity) without having both copulated in the library stacks and peed on a famous statue in the middle of campus. Given the humorlessness of the legal profession and the dismal job market, the BigLaw Bucket List below does not require you to defile a colleague in a supply closet or urinate on a Redweld … at least not at the same time. Before you earn your last inflated paycheck and kick the BigLaw Bucket, make sure you've earned your stripes. All 50 of them.

1. Bring a cocktail to every meeting.

2. Reference Rocky III repeatedly on a conference call, and say "I pity da fool" at least once.

3. Give an enormous box of your city's best donuts to the overnight word processing crew.

4. Sample all the cafeteria entrees at least once and fill out the feedback card.

5. Locate the mythical office shower and take one.

6. "Forget" to attach a document to buy yourself more time.

7. Tweet "In client meeting, LOL" from a client meeting.

8. Fart in a partner's chair.

9. Take your family on a tour of your office.

10. Seduce a paralegal.

11. Send a "high importance" email to a colleague asking if he or she wants to combine dinner orders.

12. Wear the same outfit every day until someone says something.

13. Steal someone's lunch from the communal fridge.

14. Give a good review to someone who means well but doesn't deserve it.

15. Pose for a photo with your deal toys.

16. Replace the water in the coffee machine with Gatorade.

17. Ask for a new computer before you give notice.

18. Take friends out for dinner and charge it to Business Development.

19. Conduct a messy break-up on speakerphone.

20. Perform a public records search on your supervising partner.

21. Sneak your dog into the office.

22. Buy and prominently use a "#1 Lawyer" mug.

23. Send a letter on firm letterhead to Steve Jobs about the iPhone 4.

24. Rap your voicemail greeting.

25. Request to connect with the managing partner on LinkedIn.

26. Invent a funeral and take a personal day.

27. Ask HR to have your firm photo retaken every year.

28. Send an email to your assistant thanking her or him for the hard work.

29. Take your firm's black car service to a White Castle.

30. Replace your "Ladies and Gentlemen" email salutation with "Listen Up People."

31. Read the Wall Street Journal cover to cover in the handicapped bathroom stall.

32. Switch your 401(k) contribution amount every term.

33. Organize an unnecessary teleconference.

34. Vomit at a firm social function.

35. Plant a receipt for condoms in a BNA Tax Portfolio.

36. Take out your own garbage at the end of the day.

37. List Seamless Web sushi delivery man as an emergency contact on your medical form.

38. Submit a scathing, unsolicited 360-review of a partner.

39. Keep your office door closed for the day while working in pajamas.

40. Send a scone via interoffice mail.

41. Describe a colleague to a partner as "definitely not partner track."

42. Affix "Born to Ride" bumper sticker to your firm-issued laptop.

43. Respond to a partner emailing you an assignment by stating, "Can't right now, at a club."

44. Practice a wind instrument in your office after hours.

45. Backtrack on an already-negotiated point by claiming Opposite Day.

46. Purchase telescope/binoculars for office.

47. Send office-wide "Does anybody know a good malpractice attorney (for a friend)?" email.

48. Prepare a tearjerker farewell speech.

49. Send in a juicy tip to Above the Law.

50. Become a BigLaw columnist for TechnoLawyer.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on July 12, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

If you're a biglaw attorney, privately threatening to quit your job at least once a day is pretty much standard. And why wouldn't you? Who wants to deal with the long hours, demanding clients, and office jerks? Fantasizing about leaving, formulating exit strategies, and implementing five-year plans are as endemic to biglaw as all-nighters and free meals. Of course, threatening to quit and quitting are quite different. How can you tell when it's really time to go? Whether your inner compass is broken or you already have one foot out the door, read on to learn about the four tell-tale signs that it's time to say sayonara to biglaw.

1. You No Longer Buy Into Work-Related Emergencies

Biglaw is as famous for its "work-related emergencies" as it is for its paychecks. There are 3 am due diligence emergencies, IPO pricing day emergencies, injunction emergencies, deadline emergencies, emergency memos, panicked phone calls, phantom emergencies, and thousands of other legal crises that are just as (if not more) serious than saving lives.

If you don't believe it, or otherwise no longer feel a sense of urgency about your work, it may be time to throw in the towel. Part of surviving biglaw is buying into the self-important culture. Once you stop believing, you're on your way out.

2. You're Trying to Get Them to Fire You

Biglaw attorneys may not get tattoos or odd piercings (visible ones at least), but if you secretly want to leave, you may find yourself testing the limits of acceptable office decorum in other ways. Maybe you wear money sign earrings to work (I did once) or browse the Web too often for too long. Perhaps you leave "Regards" off of your email signature or don't bother to proof the final version of the agreement.

These aren't just signs of laziness — you're also tempting fate. Take a cue from your passive-aggressive behavior and take a hike. Don't make them fire you. Quit while you're ahead (but wait for your year-end bonus if you think you'll receive one).

3. Your Sunday Night Blues Are Killer — Literally

Very few people in the world rip off the covers on Monday mornings, do a tap dance, and then head into work beaming. Everybody dreads their job a little bit ... especially on Sunday nights when another work week looms. But if you find yourself inconsolable at the prospect of going into the office the next morning, spend half of Sunday evening trolling eBay for guns, or find yourself seriously depressed on Friday night at the prospect of having only two weekend nights left, it may be time to leave biglaw.

4. Work Is Destroying Everything, Including You

Your significant other has left you and your kids hate you. You're on antidepressants, you don't have time for your hobbies, and you've gotten fat. When biglaw has robbed you of all of your joy, it's time to quit.

Many lawyers are so wrapped up in the day-to-day of their jobs they don't realize how miserable they are. Take stock of your life. If work has left you with no room for family, friends, or meaningful extracurricular activities, it has taken over. You may think you need the biglaw paycheck to be happy, but no fancy toy or expensive vacation can make you less miserable (although science is getting close with plastic surgery). Trust me — you'll become much richer when you take a pay cut to get your life back.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on June 28, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

The Federal Rule of Civil Procedure Rule 26(f) conference, which requires litigants in federal court to meet and confer regarding a discovery plan, has the potential to be enormously useful. Instead of making up discovery strategy as you go along — which never, ever happens, does it? — you have a duty under FRCP 26(f)(3) to discuss both the subject of discovery and how to conduct it.

Often ignored by the parties is the rule's requirement to discuss, and include in the written discovery plan submitted to the court, "any issues about disclosure or discovery of electronically stored information, including the form or forms in which it should be produced." Fed. R. Civ. P. 26(f)(3)(C).

What often results is a generic stipulation in which the parties appear to agree on an eDiscovery protocol, but actually agree on nothing but their mutual desire to avoid any discussion of eDiscovery. Or worse, the resulting stipulation describes a protocol for discovery of electronic information that proves unworkable and frustrating.

The Court Will Hold You to Your eDiscovery Agreement, Even If You Shoot Yourself in the Foot

The emerging eDiscovery case law indicates that courts will likely enforce the terms of a stipulation, even if doing so would unduly burden or prejudice one party — even if the rules were amended since the parties entered into the agreement.

In In re ATM Fee Antitrust Litig., 2007 WL 1827635 (N.D. Cal. June 25, 2007), for example, the parties agreed at the onset of litigation to produce electronic documents as searchable TIFF files. The plaintiff later moved to compel the defendants to comply with the then-newly-amended Rule 34, which requires electronically stored information to be produced in "a form or forms in which it is ordinarily maintained or in a reasonably useable form or forms." Notwithstanding the language of Rule 34, the federal district court declined to "abdicat[e]...the parties' agreement" regarding the form of production. Indeed, Rule 34 itself makes clear that the stated procedure for production of electronically stored information applies "[u]nless otherwise stipulated or ordered by the court[.]"

More recent opinions follow this trend of enforcing stipulated eDiscovery protocols. In In re Fannie Mae Sec. Litig., 552 F.3d 814 (D.C. Cir. 2009), the D.C. Circuit affirmed the district court's order giving the defendants sole discretion to determine the search terms used to search a third party's off-site backup tapes for responsive documents. The third party, the Office of Federal Housing Enterprise Oversight ("OFHEO") had been served with a third-party subpoena. After OFHEO's initial production, the defendants learned that OFHEO did not search its off-site backup tapes. OFHEO volunteered to do so, and entered into a stipulated order providing the defendants "will specify the search terms to be used."

OFHEO was not pleased when it learned defendants' search terms resulted in over 600,000 documents. Its efforts to comply with production of responsive documents ultimately resulted in the agency spending over 9 percent of its total budget on the project. In response to OFHEO's request for relief, the district court held OFHEO must produce all responsive documents, finding the stipulation's language was clear and provided defendants with sole discretion over search terms, and thus, over the scope of the production. Ouch.

Rules of the Road for eDiscovery Stipulations

So, what can you do when faced with the need to agree on eDiscovery protocol early in the litigation? Keep these three principles to keep in mind.

1. Don't agree to limits on the production format for electronically stored information. Preserve your right to obtain copies of electronically stored information in its native format. You may end up deciding later that TIFF files are acceptable, but make that call later, after you've familiarized yourself with the issues in the case and the types of electronic information in the other parties' possession.


2. Don't agree to let the other party dictate search terms. The better practice is to stipulate to a procedure in which the requesting party submits a list of search terms with its discovery requests. The producing party is then free to object, after which the parties can take any disputes to the court if necessary.


3. Don't agree to limits on the sources of electronic information to be searched by the other parties. Opposing counsel's idea of which employees' hard drives and which backup tapes are likely to contain responsive information will likely differ from yours, especially after you learn about their information systems and key witnesses. In this vein, consider a Rule 30(b)(6) deposition about the opposing party's information systems and preservation procedures before propounding interrogatories and requests for production. For example, you may learn that Defendant uses XYZ software to track the customer complaints that are key to your case, enabling you to frame your discovery requests accordingly.

Absent fraud or duress or the other usual contract defenses, courts are reluctant to release parties from discovery stipulations. By following a few simple guidelines, you can prevent having to explain to your client that you cannot obtain key evidence for your case because you agreed that the opposing party did not have to provide it to you.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on June 21, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

Staying fit and healthy is tough even if you have lots of free time and a stress-free lifestyle. Throw in a law firm's punishing hours, pressure-cooker culture, and unpredictable schedule and you have a recipe for … well, a big gut. When I started at my ex-firm, most of my fellow first-years were spry and trim. By the time I left two-and-a-half years later, many were bloated and doughy. I maintained my weight, but not because of luck or a "fast metabolism." I knew that entering a law firm meant signing up for a sedentary, stressful lifestyle, so I approached the situation with a plan of attack. Below I share some practical tips for fighting (and winning) the battle of the biglaw bulge.

1. BYO

Noontime CLEs mean sandwich and pasta stations. Practice group breakfast meetings bring baskets of baked goods. Law firms are notorious for their catered spreads. True, it's all free, but just because it's there doesn't mean you have to eat it.

Fend off temptation by bringing your own meal or snacks to catered firm gatherings. This way, you'll be less likely to nosh on those tantalizing cookies or overload your plate with catered fare. You may receive jibes from your coworkers (I certainly did), but you'll have the last laugh when they pack on the pounds while you remain at your fighting weight.

2. Commit to Working Out Three Days a Week

Magazines such as Cosmo and Men's Health routinely suggest that people who don't have time to workout before or after work fit in a quick workout during lunch. Hitting the gym during the middle of the day is usually not feasible for most biglaw attorneys.

Fortunately, it doesn't matter when you work out … as long as you commit to doing it three days a week come hell or high water. Personally, I often worked out twice on the weekends and squeezed one workout in during the week after work. Sticking with this routine will keep your metabolism up and help maintain muscle tone.

3. Control Late Night Binging

Nutrition gurus always warn us not to eat late at night, but working — and eating — after hours is a reality for biglaw attorneys. While you may be forced to chow down at 10 pm, you need not spend (and eat) your entire dinner stipend just because you can. I've seen plenty of colleagues pile their cafeteria trays high with more sodas than they could possibly drink in one evening or order repulsive quantities of sushi just to wring the most money from clients.

Unfortunately, nightly $30 binges hurt your waistline more than they hurt the client's wallet. A good rule of thumb is to order for dinner only what you'd eat if you were paying for it out of pocket. You'll eat less and refrain from buying impulse items like Nutra-Grain bars at the cafeteria register or scallion pancakes on Seamless Web.

4. Counter Your Stress

Lawyers sweat the small stuff — good for your clients and your career, but not for your body. High blood levels of cortical, the hormone you produce when you're under stress, slows down your metabolism. Of course, telling lawyers to magically stop agonizing over typos is useless since they're paid to do so.

But an important part of keeping your weight in check lies in counterbalancing biglaw stress with relaxing activities that give your body a rest from the days' constant adrenaline rushes. That may mean forcing yourself to take a vacation every six months, drinking a beer or two (light, of course) in front of your TV, setting aside time each night to read for pleasure, or committing to bi-monthly massages. Whatever works for you.

5. Don't Blame the Dry Cleaner

When you put on a few pounds, you probably reach for your "fat pants." Though the urge to buy larger clothing or blame the dry cleaner for shrinking your clothes may make you feel better, larger clothing is a gateway to complacency and further weight gain. If you feel comfortable in your upsized wardrobe, you're also more likely to overindulge because there's room to spare in your clothing.

Instead of accommodating the weight gain, I recommend wearing your too-tight, extremely uncomfortable clothing as a reminder to eat healthy and hit the gym. You're less likely to grab that second lemon square if you feel like your belt is strangling you.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.

Originally published on June 14, 2010 in our free BigLaw newsletter.

Let's face it: jerks are everywhere. But the jerks who ruin your morning coffee with their no-foam attitude or cut you off during your commute do not hold a candle to the jerks you work with every day at your large law firm. So shut the door on your sneering secretary, close your Facebook app, and read this scintillating edition of BigLaw to discover the five jerks you meet behind firm doors. If you haven't met them all yet, consider yourself lucky.

1. The One-Upper Junior Associate

The One-Upper typically barges into your office uninvited, stack of papers in hand just to let you know that the really important meeting between him and the CEO of the firm's largest client went "really well."

He routinely fake complains about how the managing partner is always pestering him to do "annoying" things like argue motions in court as a first year or attend sporting events as his personal guest. If you filed three motions today, rest assured the One-Upper filed seven and closed a deal and hit the gym and it's only 3 pm. And if you billed twelve hours today, you're getting out early because the One-Upper billed 40 and that wasn't even including this morning.

Dead Giveaways: deal-toy littered office, 12+ page absence memos on "active matters," eats lunch with partners in the cafeteria, sets Outlook timer to send email in the wee hours.

Kryptonite: Personal bankruptcy, layoffs, or being staffed on a matter with another One-Upper.

2. The Entrapper Mid-Level

The Entrapper attempts to raise her own profile at work by contriving situations to make it look like you're slacking off. For example, she'll stop by your office at 9 pm, see that you've stepped out for dinner, and then race back to her office to email the partner with a CC to you stating that since you left for the evening, all further requests should be directed to her.

Sending items through the inter-office mail to slow you down is one of her classic moves, as is sticking Post-Its on your monitor after hours with urgent instructions. She also loves to check in on the status of assignments and update your lack of progress directly to the partner.

Dead Giveaways: Leaves "where are you?" voicemails, reeks of take-out, lives in an apartment within walking distance of the office, checks BlackBerry during meetings with you.

Kryptonite: Self-implosion or destruction of her home life.

3. The Wolf in Sheep's Clothing Senior Associate

The WISC seems like the nicest person in the world ... until he blindsides you with scathing, sneak attack reviews. Suddenly, all those deadlines that he told you were flexible were hard, your memo that he took credit for and forwarded to the client lacked "critical thinking," and those heartfelt conversations you and the he had were "unprofessional intrusions" into his personal life.

After a cooling off period following the review he distances himself from you as you digest the betrayal. Then he'll act like nothing happened.

Dead Giveaways: BCCs, uses personal information against you, pastes strategically damning parts of email into reviews, suspiciously pleasant demeanor.

Kryptonite: The WISC usually cultivates close relationships with one or two partners, and then uses this trust to lend credibility to his reviews. As such, you can destroy a WISC only if the sponsoring partners lateral or the WISC otherwise loses his protected status.

4. The Passive-Aggressive Partner

If you've ever worked for a partner who fails to respond to multiple email messages at critical times, you've worked for a classic Passive-Aggressive.

A typical PA assigns vague research at 6 pm on Fridays before three day weekends and send team-wide emails about how "we" need to remember to proof our briefs rather than having a private, in-person confrontation with the associate who screwed up. He asks questions to which he knows the answers and frequently engages in staring contests.

Dead Giveaways: Assigns make work with phantom deadlines, tells associates they'll have to "play it by ear" when it comes to their vacation requests, resents associates who do not attend his CLE presentations.

Kryptonite: Mandatory retirement.

5. The Indignant Admin

The Indignant Admin believes she was born to do great things ... and entering your timesheets is not one of them. IAs routinely screw up assignments, play Free Cell, and offer unwelcome strategic input on a case.

She is fanatical about her desk property, typically mounting signs that say, "This Purell Is Not Free! Buy Your Own!" and sending floor-wide threatening email messages in red Courier New demanding that whoever took her scissors return them immediately. Associates assigned to IAs who also work for partners can expect to have all their requests ignored.

Dead Giveaways: Inability to perform any task without errors, listens to the radio, commuting delays, takes full number of sick days, complains about your holiday gift.

Kryptonite: A bad review by a partner. A new word processor or other technology.

How to Receive BigLaw
Many large firms have good reputations for their work and bad reputations as places to work. Why? Answering this question requires digging up some dirt, but we do with the best of intentions. Published first via email newsletter and later here on our blog, BigLaw analyzes the business practices, marketing strategies, and technologies used by the country's biggest law firms in an effort to unearth best and worst practices. The BigLaw newsletter is free so don't miss the next issue. Please subscribe now.